Why is it hard to start a new relationship after a breakup? After a breakup: how to start a new relationship? The psychologist Burovtseva Galina Petrovna answers the question
What is a substitutive relationship?
Western psychologists are actively discussing the so-called "rebound" ("recovery", "return", "rollback" - English), i.e. relationships in which a person enters a period of acute experiences after a breakup. Substitutive relationships can also arise before the break, during the period of emotional separation of partners.
The experience of losing a relationship lasts for different lengths of time for different people. For some, a couple of months is enough, for others, the process takes years. The duration and intensity of experiences depends on the individual characteristics of the person, on the quality of the relationship, and also on the time during which they lasted.
For a person who has just gone through a breakup, it is often characteristic that he will not be able to withstand the emotional pain and that he urgently needs to find solace. In addition, the gap may be preceded by years of unsatisfactory relationships and, as a result, the feeling that a lot of time has been lost. There is a desire to make up for the lost right now, by all means. In a substitutionary relationship, you can escape from obsessive thoughts and feelings about your ex-partner, get sexual satisfaction, and occupy “empty” evenings and weekends with something.
What does a substitutive relationship entail? It would seem that a person, leaving suffering, is trying to overcome mental pain, to prove to himself that life is not over and that you can continue to rejoice and have fun ... The paradox of such a “romance” is that it is not experienced at all like a mature love relationship.
How to identify substitution relationships?
A partner who has recently gone through a breakup often remembers the ex-partner with pain, fantasizes about him, talks about him with others, including with a new partner. The new partner is more valuable for sex and comfort, they are of little interest as a person. Relationships can be maintained in order not to be alone, not to have the status of “without a partner”, and not at all for the sake of interest in a person and the value of joint experiences.
Mood swings are markers of substitution relationships. As a rule, it takes time for the experience of a breakup to be experienced and integrated into a biographical story. After a breakup, a person experiences many ambivalent (multidirectional) feelings for an ex-partner: affection, anger, guilt, shame, love, sadness. At the same time, in the early stages after the breakup, he is not able to clearly understand these feelings and their source, and they can spontaneously be directed to a new partner.
It is also important that often in such a relationship the need to prove to the ex-partner that "I'm doing well" is realized. Social networks help modern people a lot in this (you can show photos, videos, write optimistic posts to all your friends). The inability to endure the damage caused by a break or divorce to one's own Self makes one prove to oneself and the ex-partner that "I am worthy of love."
Thus, the danger arises both for the survivor of the breakup and for his new partner. The partner turns out to be unconsciously used as a comforter, "vest", but he is not considered and experienced as a person, they are not interested in his inner world. The one who seeks consolation is often quickly disappointed, because he was not ready for a love relationship.
What do psychologists think about substitutive relationships?
In general, entering into a new relationship immediately after a breakup is not recommended. First, it is important to realize that the pain and sadness experienced after a breakup are appropriate situations of loss of feeling that must be lived, not eliminated. The ability to live difficult feelings (rather than move away from them) is the emotional maturity of an adult.
Secondly, jumping into a new relationship closes the path to a deep reflection on the old ones. Having comprehended the complexities of old relationships, a person can realize and formulate for himself those aspects of them that suited him and those that did not satisfy him, as well as what exactly he would like to see in a new relationship. Thus, the quick decision in this case does not mean the optimal one.
Third, the need for comfort and healing from a breakup may not match the expectations of a new partner. Then the relationship can end quickly and dramatically, while you can inflict a spiritual wound on a person who has nothing to do with the old love story. In this case, the chain of "broken hearts" can be lengthened, and hardly anyone can benefit from this process. In this sense, it is important, entering into a new relationship after the previous one that has just ended, to ask yourself the question: “Why am I doing this? What do I want?
Do substitutive relationships always lead to negative consequences?
Although the above arguments against substitution seem to be quite logical and psychologically sound, scientific studies of this phenomenon do not confirm its negative impact on human life. In particular, there is evidence that the length of time from divorce to remarriage has nothing to do with the quality of the new relationship (Walfinger, 2006). So far, this kind of data has been obtained only in terms of matrimony, and it is not known whether this is true for any partnerships.
As arguments explaining the results of the study, one can consider the fact that for a family (especially if it has children), the presence of two spouses is associated with a higher material condition, a sense of security, and a quality of life in general, and then, the shorter the period in which all responsibility lies with one person, the better. However, the same study shows that the presence of children from the first marriage in a remarriage is a factor that reduces relationship satisfaction.
Another question is this: are all relationships that have arisen immediately after the break of the previous ones, are vicarious? It is not easy to give an answer to it, because no one has described and formulated the norms into which all people can be entered at once. People differ among themselves in psychological properties, the characteristics of their relationships differ, - therefore, relationships also end in different ways. Often a breakup and divorce occurs when most of the parting partners have recycled and divorce is perceived as liberation. In this case, new relationships may arise even before the divorce or immediately after it, and will not necessarily be of a substitutive nature. If both partners in a new relationship experience the openness and sincerity of the partner, his interest, the opportunity to discuss feelings and thoughts related to previous relationships, then they probably have every reason to be together.
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. I am 20 years old. In the spring of 2015, I broke up with my boyfriend, met for 2 years, it was my first serious relationship. We study together, and have to see each other from time to time, which greatly complicates the situation. I still love him, but I realize that nothing will work out for us anymore, since it’s hard for us to be with each other. I still can't let go and forget him. I tried already 2 times to start a new relationship, not for the sake of forgetting, but really I wanted a relationship with this or that young man. Everything starts in the best possible way, everything suits, but as soon as I feel that everything starts in a serious way, I immediately part with the guy, as if by a click it beats off all desire and I begin to notice all the disadvantages of the young man and "run away from him." Please help me understand what is happening to me?? What should I do?? Guys quickly fall in love and are already talking about the wedding, but it scares me terribly, repels me right away. Although, being with my ex, I dreamed, raved about a wedding with him, about a family, about kids. And now I'm just afraid of it all and not ready. Maybe I need time? Shouldn't you start a relationship now? I want to understand what my problem is, am I really not satisfied with these guys, or is the problem in my head? After parting, all my plans collapsed and I still don’t know what I want next now, I just do something because I know it’s necessary, but without any desire. Can't I love anyone like that anymore, let someone close to me? In past relationships, I lacked tenderness, attention, and now all these calf tendernesses annoy me, it’s unpleasant to the point of horror from how sweet they are to me, they say how good I am, dear, they don’t know me, they want to immediately refute it all. I feel bad alone, I don’t want to return my past relationship, although somewhere deep in my soul I hope that everything will be as before, but it won’t be like before, too much has happened, the parting was too painful. There are crowds of guys around me every day, I like their attention, it's flattering, but I don't want anything else.
The psychologist Galina Petrovna Burovtseva answers the question.
Hello Sophia.
In life, a person has to endure many different kinds of events and experiences associated with them. But if there were no partings, there would be no meetings. It is important to learn to pour out your emotions (to suffer), to get rid of them and live on.
“A person consists of three parts” (of course, the personality of a person is multifaceted, and yet the three parts are the basis) - this is the body, emotions and thoughts. We have a mind that controls the components, this is what makes a person different from all other living nature. That is, thinking, analyzing, drawing conclusions, a person can make decisions. The well-known phrase Time heals exists, but it is not time as such that heals. Over time, the emotional significance of the event is erased and it becomes easier. True, a person, again, can color any event with new “colors”, diminishing the sharpness or adding colors and, accordingly, emotional experiences, “making an elephant out of a fly”.
Sophia, of course, “... I want to understand what my problem is, are these guys really dissatisfied with me, or is the problem in my head? ..” - quote.
If you want to be happy, be!
Through movement, you can influence emotions, dance, do physical education. Through emotions, you can influence thoughts, watch beautiful, motivating films, read books, listen to music, and so on. By controlling your thoughts, you can influence the body and emotions. How? Think about the good, why do you think about the bad?
Communication will fill the void
"Hook", for which the former clings to us
Fixing bugs
good luck and success
I wish you success!
Deal with loss and move on
We all need a little "mourning" period. After all, no matter how long we stayed with this or that person, we “invested” in him - we invested our strength, time in him, we tried to do something for him. And then all of a sudden it was gone.
We need time to come to terms with the loss. Indeed, at the very moment of parting and even a little after it, we do not think how to start a new relationship. On the contrary, we are so consumed with leaving relationships that we think only about them. And even more than that - we remember only the good!
Communication will fill the void
At first, of course, there will be tears and memories of pleasant romantic moments. Take a closer look at the couples "with experience" - romance is undoubtedly present in their relationship, but not to the extent that it seems to you now in your relationship. Pleasant little things and surprises, tenderness and adoration - all this, of course, is and will be in every pair. But because they are "little things" that they are only a small part of something bigger.
Relationships are shared interests.
Therefore, it is easy and simple to cope with the feeling that “there will be no one better than this person in life”, it is communication that helps. This does not mean that you will walk the streets with the "hungry" look of a lonely girl. It is not necessary to start a new serious relationship (especially immediately after a breakup), but after a short period spent “with yourself”, it is still time to go out to people.
Chat, play, enjoy the company. And so that there are no bad thoughts about “here, I will now start a relationship with the wrong person again,” do not stay face-to-face with one person. Find a company that suits your level of education, interests, hobbies. Pick up a new hobby or take a class. If you are passionate about photography or design, then you will probably be forced to go out, go to exhibitions and presentations, visit galleries, or simply look for interesting places for inspiration.
After a short time, you can even change the field of activity. Acquired skills in any area will give you the opportunity to feel needed, and even (with some success in it) - held. And it makes no sense for a self-sufficient person to fiercely want relationships to replace the old ones.
"Hook", for which the former clings to us
It's good when a relationship ends badly. It sounds a little absurd, but try to understand: it is better not to remain "friends" when parting. After all, after you want to return some important moments in your common life. Friends? Well, they'll understand why you don't go bowling or swimming with them anymore. But relations with the "former" can not be. Even if you work in the same area, sooner or later in a joint business (or, God forbid, business) problems will begin.
How often behind the words "let's remain friends" something else is hidden! We want us not to be thrown out abruptly, the former want to be let go gradually ... But even if friendly, namely friendly relations are established, they will certainly be “bitter”, or something. With a taste of that unique bitterness that only notorious masochists (and masochists) can like.
In addition, it is likely that some time after the breakup, you will find an inner readiness for a new relationship, and you will be tormented by the question of how to start them without destroying the friendship that has formed. Or vice versa, your ex may start a new relationship, and you will find yourself where you should be - in second or even third roles.
Fixing bugs
Before thinking about a relationship after a breakup, it's helpful to analyze how you brought your previous relationship to its last stage. It's not just about him, "the bastard and the bastard", but even if the man really is like that, it's about you, who chose the bastard and the bastard. If you can not cope with a deep analysis of causes and effects yourself - find a good, but not too close friend or friend. Girls love to talk about their own, about girlish things, and you will get a satisfied listener and an independent expert.
If there is no such girlfriend and is not expected - do not skimp on the advice of a psychologist or psychotherapist. These people, on the one hand, are obliged not to express their personal opinion, and on the other hand, they are forced, by virtue of their duties, not only to listen to the client, but also gently, gradually push him to certain thoughts and conclusions about himself. So you will get a double benefit - you will have an opinion about yourself that is as comfortable as possible for you, and at the same time - a starting point. In addition, when working with a professional, you will be able to correct those features of relationships that are essentially destructive for them. But for you, they are familiar, they are part of your life, and only an outsider who has a different relationship experience and examples can push you to the idea that you can build relationships in a different way.
good luck and success
Luck is finding the right person, even after a long, difficult relationship and a difficult breakup. And success is to determine what exactly you need now. Do you need a person who would not interfere with making a career in the company? Do you need a caring family man who loves children? Finding just such a person, “hitting the target” is already a success.
I wish you success!
Western psychologists warn against a quick relationship after parting. In our country, the method is widespread: “The wedge is knocked out with a wedge.” What is the danger of a new relationship after a breakup, what stages of reflection must be experienced, and how to properly distract from negative emotions?
Parting is always stressful, no matter how it was - stormy or peaceful. It hurts the people left behind, but the imprint on the state of mind remains on the initiators of the gap. It is sometimes difficult to understand the range of feelings: pain, guilt, bitterness of loss, low self-esteem, jealousy, fear of loneliness. All of them deform the inner world, up to complete spiritual devastation.
For each person, the recovery period is individual. But it is necessary and inevitable. This must be remembered when diving into the darkest. As well as the fact that everything passes. Even if at this moment, it seems to you that life is over.
When can I start a new relationship after a breakup?
In behavior after parting, several stages go through, in different combinations, depending on the quality of the broken relationship, its duration and the reason for the end:
Contradiction. When with pleasure (or revenge) they do what was impossible or undesirable during their life together with a partner: they dress differently, attend some places or events, communicate with “non grata friends”. Psychologists approve of such actions, but they should not be thoughtless, to the detriment of oneself, or senselessly "out of spite."
Anger, jealousy and aggression. Negative feelings should not be hidden. Want to cry? Cry. Want to swear? Scream. But to go to extremes: to pursue, to take revenge, to “sling mud” at your ex is unacceptable. Moreover, when the intensity of passions passes (and it will definitely pass), there will also be a feeling of shame or embarrassment.
Resentment, bitterness and regret. Constant memories of happy or special moments are tormented by the fact that they are irrevocable. And all the bad things are pushed aside and blurred in memory. You can not stay in this period for a long time and constantly irritate your heart, and grief, destructive concentration on resentment.
"Replacement". When, consciously or by coincidence, the missing half is replaced by another person. According to reviews, this is the best way to get out of depression. But psychotherapists do not recommend "substitute" relationships because of the negative consequences.
Analysis. After the emotions lose their sharpness, the time for reflection will come.
In general, psychologists have a special formula that calculates how long the pain of loss wears off. This time is much longer than love itself. Although studies, however, conducted only on divorced couples, indicate that the quality of the following relationships is not associated with the length of the period after the breakup.
It takes three months to a year for a mentally healthy person to go through all the stages of experience after a breakup and start a new relationship. But they don't have to be "substitutions".
The danger of a new relationship after a breakup
Psychotherapists always try to convey to emotionally developed people that negative feelings after a breakup are natural. They both can and should be experienced, and not hidden deep in the subconscious. A situation that has not been completed to the end will pop up at unexpected moments in life, bringing discord and confusion to the soul and mind.
In addition, only after fully experiencing all the stages of "weaning" does the period of analysis come. And when they are comprehended, you can build new ones, of a higher level.
What is the danger of a new relationship after breaking up?
Too hastily started a new relationship after a break closes the door back. Perhaps you should not rush things, if any.
Spending time with a new partner does not survive to the end of parting and draw conclusions from the mistakes of the past. In a fresh relationship, you will not be able to fully experience how the dead end of emotional devastation is replaced by just sadness. A clear understanding of who is needed for happiness and what it is for you will not come. And how to avoid previous mistakes with the next applicant.
To use a new defendant solely for sex, consolation, to distract himself without notifying him about it is vile. There is a risk that he will later experience pain similar to yours.
Sometimes, people themselves tend to believe fiction. And easily confusing the fear of loneliness with sympathy, or in gratitude for the attention with low self-esteem, you can find yourself connected with a new relationship, in fact, with a stranger. And with a weak will, some may never be able to get out of them, having spent many years on a mirage.
When people deliberately choose the unloved for later life, arguing that "since great love turned out to be a lie, then what's the difference" - this also does not end with a happy ending.
Sometimes, it is difficult to fully understand whether “replacement” is or is it really an advent. It depends on whether the previous relationship broke up unexpectedly or whether this process went on for a long time, making it possible to feel some of the stages of separation in a couple.
Signs of substitution
Sometimes a person himself does not realize he needs a new relationship or this is a “substitute” option. There are a number of clear markers:
If a new partner is not interested as a person, his feelings are not taken into account. And they are used only for consolation and sex.
They constantly talk about the former passion.
On the contrary, they do not want to say anything and discuss categorically.
Expose new relationships for show, for example, in social networks.
Frequent mood swings and negative emotions that are deliberately splashed out on the one who is nearby, although they are directed to the source of suffering.
The best option would be to honestly confess to the new gentleman about the recent breakup and your pain, to offer friendship. Do not be afraid that you will be left alone, that you will miss "true" love. If this is “your” person, he will help, support and wait until the emotional whirlwind subsides.
How to console yourself after a breakup without a new relationship
It is clear that when parting, it seems that the world has frozen and there is no desire to live. It is extremely difficult to control oneself, especially at an acute moment, when after a break it seems that you will suffocate from sobs. Once the first phase of despair has passed, you can try to relieve mental anguish in the following ways:
Shift your focus from your suffering to the feelings of others. Help someone who is sicker and worse than you: a sick child, an elderly relative, a disabled person, refugees. Empathy and compassion, but not in words, but in action, immediately shows the world from a completely different side.
Write on a piece of paper all your grievances and disappointments. Understand that the blame is on the former partner for unjustified your there is no desire. Forgive him.
Try to meet for the last time to say goodbye, without making claims and quarrels. The point set by you can also give reassurance.
Stay away from family and friends. Accept their sympathy, do not be ashamed of pity. Want to be alone? But this is a dangerous way to remember all the painful moments again. Communicate more.
Take up a hobby or something you've been putting off for a long time. Start learning something new, like a foreign language. Work also helps a lot to distract from sad thoughts. There are many stories that it was after the breakup that the career went up.
Intense sports loads also burn negative emotional energy.
If possible, take a trip. Or change the scenery for a while.
Or at least change the interior of the house, update the decor. At the very least, take away the items donated by the old partner.
Don't be afraid to meet new people. Do not rush things, but you should not close yourself from relationships forever.
In order not to repeat the situation of parting in different scenarios, it is necessary to learn lessons. The danger of a new relationship after a breakup is precisely in the “blurring” of a clear understanding of the reasons. Think about your mistakes in order to gain knowledge: why it happened, how to relieve the unceasing pain, and not drown it out and
This analysis - should not be self-flagellation or shifting all the blame on the former partner, but a means of getting out of an emotional impasse. Which will make it possible to look at what is happening with different eyes and in the future will help to build new harmonious ones and with a person more suitable for this.
Alexa.A
Hello, my name is Alexandra, I'm 23 years old, 6 months ago I had a painful breakup with a guy I dated for 3 years. The guy started dating another, I found out, I ended the relationship with him. Then he nevertheless returned me, I forgave him because I loved him, but then it only got worse, he began to correspond with her behind my back, go for a walk, when he found out he said he couldn’t choose in any way, after that I finally broke up with him.
Now, after the advent of 6 months, I can’t start another relationship, I start to communicate with someone and after about 2 weeks I start to remember the former, it gets bad, some kind of depression starts again, memories pop up that we all started the same way, in the end I’m being overwhelmed and without explanation I just add a person to the emergency, I can’t get close to someone like that or don’t want to. But with this approach, I’ll sit alone until retirement. And I'm tired of being alone. What are my states? And how can I get rid of it?
Alexa.A
I want to understand why I can not start another relationship and how to deal with it
Hello Alexa. A. Three years of relationship is a decent amount of time, and the fact that you can't get close to anyone for 6 months is normal.
You can call this state in different ways: grief or longing, the main thing is that it has its own term and it can last up to a year.
Tell me how you spend your time, what is happening to you and do you have something left unsaid to that guy in your heart?
Alexa.A
Irina Sinel, hello, on weekdays at work until the evening, on weekends I sit at home. Sometimes I forget and am not nervous, and it seems that I have already forgotten completely, sometimes, on the contrary, it rolls over me and I can walk all day without a mood and cry. It's all aggravated when I start talking to other guys, it only gets worse for me, and everyone advises me a wedge with a wedge .. But it doesn't seem to work.
There is probably something unspoken, there is still resentment as to why he did this.
Alexa.A
Well, I'm offended that he started dating someone else behind my back, then when I forgave him, he still didn't stop communicating with her. Just crossed out 3 years of relationship and that's it. Now he is no longer dating her, but with some other girl. I can't start a relationship
Alexa.A
Irina Sinel, at first I began to notice that he began to sit in WhatsApp all the time, he explained this to me by the fact that his friends send him videos all the time and he watches, but sitting online for 2 hours and watching videos is nonsense .. Then I began to suspect something is wrong, but he kept denying it and still saying "what do you mean, I love you very much", and then I saw a like from this girl under his new photo, went to her page and there she has a lot of photos from his car and from the garage, well, including him. When she showed him all this, he no longer denied it, said you yourself are to blame, you endured the brain all the time and she is cheerful. In the end, I told him that he could continue to have fun and we parted. After 2 weeks, he began to persuade me to return, said he would not communicate with her anymore, I felt so bad without him that I forgave him (although probably not in my soul), gave him one more chance. But after a couple of weeks, these freezes in WhatsApp started again, and she again began to upload photos on her own. Well, then he began to explain to me that I was used to communicating with her, let it be so for now, he was nervous and talked to me as if it was my fault, he said there was nothing to climb on social networks and dig up everything that I she made a problem for herself, etc. etc. Well, after that we broke up completely. He still periodically writes to me how he loves me, although he is already dating the next girl ...