How to build a relationship with a man who has a child. Divorced man with children Relationship with a man who has a child

It takes courage and useful advice to take such a step. Read the tips in this article. From you - only courage!

You met a man. Fell in love. Everything is mutual. Loading relations went. There is one "but" - it turns out that he is divorced and he has a child from his first marriage.

To say that you are not happy is to say nothing. Some women call such men "with a load", "with a trailer", "with luggage" or other unpleasant words.

The heart says - it's just an innocent child! But inside the possessive instinct began to play.

Healthy selfishness

Don't brand yourself as a child-hater. What you feel is, in principle, normal.

A picture of the future is drawn in your head: attention flies from the love nest, and the time spent together disappears after it. Reluctance to share ...

Diagnosis: divorced from a child

Next to you is a man who knows firsthand how much diapers are for the people, and at what age BCG is done. He has already gone through all the stages of growing up a family (or could not?).

If you are 40-60 years old, then this is OK. Most likely you already have children of your own. So, too, I have already trained. Both of you will have to win the love of children. So the forces are equal.

Father messenger

Gives money, but does not see the child. Or it appears and disappears.

• Don't imitate love

This is worse than simulating an orgasm. Children feel false. If you, with the face of a cat from "Shrek", tell his children how cute they are and how you love them, then your state will drop to minus zero.

Don't lie to yourself, man, child. This is, at the very least, unfair to them.

• Upgrade your skill

A relationship with a divorced man who has a child is a daily pumping of you as a woman.

Determine for yourself: is he a worthy man, and not a rogue; how adequate is his wife and children; whether he earns enough to support two families.

Listen to yourself, watch him. And only after careful analysis, go to the next level. Yes, it will take you a long time. Nobody said that relationships were easy.

Be patient, develop your femininity, forget about scandals and ultimatums.

All this will come in handy in your future as well. I analyze all this in my trainings. The experience of women who have gone through a similar situation and become happy wives will help you.

So, courage is from you, knowledge is from me.

Always yours,
Yaroslav Samoilov.

My friend Dasha got married out of great love. She was not even interested in sms from suspicious numbers, arriving with a bountiful harvest on the phone of her betrothed. What can we say about the child of a man from his first marriage!

Its presence was not something that didn’t really bother Dasha, she somehow didn’t even fully realize it. The girl represented the child either with a formal ink line somewhere in her beloved's passport (not very pleasant, but tolerate), or a small walking black hole, into which a quarter of the income of the future hubby has to be thrown off for another twelve years (this is worse, of course, than just entry in the passport, but also trifles in comparison with universal love).

Awareness of the situation began abruptly and unpleasantly. At that moment, when, two weeks after the wedding, the offspring had the audacity to call THEIR city number and "in a thin nasty voice" ask dad for the phone. Dasha felt the reproach in this word DAD.

Hubby broke off abruptly and drove off somewhere. Later it turned out that due to some problems with the child, the spouse spent half a day with his ex-wife, moreover, he was forced to borrow her "for now" money, which until recently had been planned to buy Dasha brand Italian boots.

1. On this day, she may not count on the time and attention of her spouse.
2. One way or another, some amount of money will go from the family budget (albeit small, but still a pity).
3. She will definitely have to spend several hours imagining how an ex-wife in a transparent pink peignoir opens the door to her beloved, and then languidly solders him off with tea in the kitchen, sticking out her long naked limbs of a predatory praying mantis from under the scraps of fabric. It should be said that these suspicions were not entirely unfounded, since this lady remained free and, according to rumors, was very interested in "the family's recovery."

... Now Dasha is still married to this man. But now she knows very well that a child is not only an entry in a passport.

But Elvira, on the contrary, pulled out a lucky ticket, having met a man with two children from his first marriage. She was sincerely moved to learn that the chosen one, despite the busy work schedule, spends a lot of time with the offspring and, as he himself delicately put it, “one more heir” will not physically pull now.

Elvira crossed herself after hearing this statement, since the appearance of children in her active life plans, too, simply did not enter into any way. True, at the moment she categorically refuses to acquire a large joint apartment, having sold two odnushki on the outskirts, one of which belongs to Elvira, and the second to her husband.

I'm not a lawyer. Then the devil will break his leg with all these inheritances. I have a very good attitude towards his children, but somehow I do not want to share my own property with them, - she calmly explains the situation.

I think you can understand her.

Actually, you're in luck! If your chosen one is over 30 and divorced, then your marriage is more likely to be successful compared to the situation if he was not married at all.

Because a divorced man is family-oriented, and you can expect anything from a bachelor: fear of a serious relationship, and dependence, infantility, selfishness - after all, for some reason he still did not have a family, right?

But don't make up colored rainbows for yourself. Marriage with a divorced man has its own nuances. Many women cannot stand such relationships and then teach others, advise them to bypass divorced men.

I have a different opinion. I believe that relationships of people who do not know how to build them are doomed to failure, and divorce and children are just an excuse.

Therefore, I want you to assess the situation soberly and know how painlessly to enter into a serious relationship with a divorced man without repeating his previous scenario.

So how to build a relationship with a divorced man who has a child?

Realize that you cannot change his past.

Yes, in his life there was a woman whom he adored, before whom he knelt and promised to love forever at the altar. And she will never disappear from your life, because they have common children. Ask yourself honestly - Am I ready for this? Can I accept it? "

If you secretly hope that you will get married, you will have children of your own and he will forget that he once had another family - do not deceive yourself. A normal man will not forget about his children, because this is at least irresponsible!

• Close my eyes to the fact that the man has children.
• Don't think about it before marriage;
• Hope to change a man;
• Not realizing the difference between single boyfriends and a divorced man with children.

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• Realize your feelings
• If you are already confused, where are your real feelings, and what did you come up with for yourself, where you persuade yourself or what you deny, you can go to a psychologist and understand yourself.
• There are several effective practices with images that will help you understand how you really feel and what scenario will suit you.
• Tell a man about your feelings

If you have any doubts, don't be silent. Tell the man honestly: this does not suit me. As a man, he will offer solutions to the problem, and you can find a compromise.

Ex-wife who needs help

You can be sure: if his ex-woman has not yet remarried, then she will often turn to your man for help. Not because she does not understand something or cannot accept, she is just so used to it. Or they have good friendships.

Plus, your husband will have obligations to her. In front of the children, in fact, but in fact, while the children are small, in front of her. If he was the initiator of the divorce, he will feel guilty and it will be difficult to refuse her.

Mistakes you can make:

• Get angry with your husband and his ex, make scandals;
• Give ultimatums.

Effective Behavior Options:

• Be glad that your man is mature and normal.
• If, after breaking up with his wife, he retained a good relationship with her, this is a very good sign.
• Take it easy.

If the wife goes too far, the man himself will lose the desire to help her. And if you go too far, then ... you yourself understand.

Relations with children

This is the most difficult thing, I will analyze this point in detail.

You may face (or have already faced) feelings of jealousy for a man's child from his first marriage. It's clear!

Yes, the child suffered from divorce in the first place and it is important to think about his feelings. And, of course, about a husband who loves his children.

But in practice, this position often translates into the fact that a woman feels disadvantaged, she has to put the interests of the child from her first marriage above the interests of her own and her own family. An internal protest arises and grows in her, and then pours out in the direction of a man and the relationship breaks up.

What to do? There is no universal way out of the situation that would be beneficial for all women, without exception, but everything can be solved.

If you could not find contact with his children

You have tried everything, but you cannot make friends with them - you bought ice cream, and took them to the park, and honestly tried to be a good stepmother for yourself and your husband. But no way.

One look at the children reminds you of how much life went to the other. The children of another woman take away the most precious thing from you - the time and love of the person you love.

Maybe the kids can't stand you. If their mother at home insists that your family has broken up because of you, they will see you as a vile courtesan.

What is left to do?

Stop playing the onerous role of “second mom” and honestly surrender in your favor. Talk to your man about the opportunity to completely distance yourself from everything about his first marriage.

In this case, there will be neither awkward joint meetings, nor the presence of children in your life.

Of course, do not demand the impossible - a man will not ignore his child for your sake. Do not interfere with communication, directly or indirectly. Instead, calmly discuss with your husband the scope of his responsibilities to his first wife and their child.

To avoid problems with money, discuss the amount that will go to the child in addition to the alimony.

The downside of this strategy is alienation; there will be no complete openness between you and your husband.

Of course, a man would be pleased if you had a good relationship with his children and you at least partially shared his love for them. But you do not need to break yourself and adapt to the wishes of your husband.

I would advise you to figure out why your husband's children annoy you so much (if there are no direct reasons, for example, obvious coldness or insults on their part).

It is normal to be jealous of a man, but if this jealousy goes beyond boundaries and prevents you from living, figure out where these feelings come from. It may well be necessary to delve into past relationships or parenting scenarios.

If you could make friends with the children of the chosen one

It happens quite cool: you have an excellent relationship with his children, you are glad to see them and are happy to communicate with them yourself. If you become a loved one for your husband's children, it will be a huge relief for him - he will not have to rush between you and the children.

At the same time, children have every chance to grow up not traumatized by divorce, because loved ones in their lives do not disappear, but multiply.

Most often, a similar scenario occurs in a professional woman who has cleared herself of inner negativity, jealousy, attitudes and lives in the state of a happy woman.

The downside is that your husband's ex-family will dance around your house. If this does not bother you, then there are no problems at all.

What else can you do?

• Build your own relationship with your husband's child, do not limit yourself to decorous gatherings with tea in the family circle. Take him to the shops, to the park, to the rides - this way it will be easier for you to see the personality in the child, and not the attachment to the husband.
• Try not to play too much and not start competing with the biological mother of the child. It will ruin your relationship with her.
• Do as you feel, but don't lose your head.

It is your life! Choose the man you love and act as you feel. The main thing is to understand what you want to get in the end. There are no mistakes as such: there is behavior that will not lead to a happy relationship, but there is one that will.

I know that you will succeed. The main thing is to figure out what exactly YOU want.

relationship psychology expert,

Nowadays, a divorced man after thirty no longer surprises anyone: marriages at a young age often end in failure after 5 years of family relationships. Therefore, when a young man returns to the ranks of bachelors with a similar experience behind him, naturally, this arouses the interest of new partners.

Opinions and suspicions about divorced

Often, public opinion after a divorce attacks not only a woman who allegedly did not save the family hearth, but also a man who is instantly attacked by questions and consolations, and behind his back - speculation and suspicious rumors.

Of course, if you are in the mood for a serious relationship with a divorced man, you need to try to find out what his last marriage was like and why it did not work out.

The reason for divorce in each couple is different, and sometimes this tangle of problems cannot be unraveled even by themselves.

Asking directly why you divorced your wife and who initiated the breakup is not only tactless, but can also send your relationship with a man in the wrong direction. It is cruel to evoke emotional feelings about the past, and it will not give an objective answer - what was wrong in the marriage.

The only way out is to learn about the past from his friends or relatives, who are disposed to briefly and truthfully state the situation. Why do we need such intelligence? There is absolutely no need to know the details of family scandals and troubles, but alcohol dependence, cruelty, treason, unwillingness to have children or provide for a family is important and disturbing information.

Such details of the divorce of your new acquaintance, a divorced man, cannot be ignored, since in the future the drama may already unfold with your participation. But it's not a fact that the newly-made groom himself will tell you about this.

The psychology of a divorced man

We are talking, of course, about psychological trauma, which manifests itself in different ways depending on the age and character of each.

It has long been noted that if the marriage lasted more than five years, then the former spouse may suffer from the so-called delayed depression. This form of oppression does not develop immediately, but possibly 1-2 years after the divorce, in the case when he does not create a family again. It is not for nothing that there is an opinion among the people that a serious relationship with a divorced man can be created only in the second year of his free life, when the worries subside, the pain subsides and the person will be able to decide what he wants for himself in the future.

So what happens in the first two years after divorce? It all depends on the natural inclinations of nature and the degree of defeat from the past marriage.

A series of meaningless romances, sex without obligations, partners for one night - these are the consequences of a difficult divorce. At best, after a few years, the bile will come out, and he will stop taking out resentment against his ex-wife on his friends.

Rules for communicating with a divorced man

It takes a sea of ​​delicacy and an ocean of warmth for a young man who has just gone through a divorce.

If you do not want to wait two years for him to cope with stress himself, and are afraid that someone else will intercept the bachelor, then follow these rules:

Divorced man with child

If a man has children from his first marriage, you should understand that this gives more advantages than disadvantages. Of course, one has to fear that when visiting his children in their mother's house, a man cannot completely abstract himself from his ex-wife.

Not everything in this life comes to us in a new sparkling package. One had to wear jeans for her older sister, the other bought things in a second-hand, and someone was lucky enough to meet a man on her way who had once listened to Mendelssohn's march.

In fact, everything is not as scary as it seems at first glance. The main thing is not to panic and take note of a few simple rules.

Rule number 1. Be patient. A man who has just freed himself from the bonds of marriage is not always ready to tie himself with them again. He just felt free, so don't be surprised if he wants an easy, non-binding relationship.

Rule number 2. Don't be in a hurry to rejoice. Some men, on the contrary, cannot come to terms with the fact that their well-established life has come to an end, so they are urgently looking for one that will again bake pancakes for breakfast and iron shirts. Therefore, when a divorced man rushes your wedding, extinguish your emotions and think about why he does it - because of his great love for you or just wants to save money on the housekeeper?

Rule number 3. You don't have to communicate with his ex-wife. I often see in films how a new girlfriend meets her man's ex-wife in a restaurant, and they start talking about life. What for? If you need to know something about your man, isn't it better to communicate directly with him? This is where rule # 4 follows.

Rule number 4. You have a right to know about his past relationship. Not every skirt he picked up, but formal marriage for sure. How many were together, whether there were children, why they parted. If a man tries not to talk about it, then his past is not over yet.

Rule number 5. No old friendship meetings. Even if he remained on good terms with his ex, this does not mean at all that he should run for help at her first call. Not a little one - she can handle it herself. Do not be ashamed to tell your man about it. The past should not interfere with the present.

Rule number 6. Children are not a reason to leave you. Yes, wives are former, children are not. He will see the children - he has every right to do so. But their communication should not be inconvenient for you. May he do mercy and introduce you to the children so that you can spend time together. If, of course, you want to. If not, then let him find a compromise.

Rule No. 7. You are not responsible for his past relationship. If his wife cheated on him, this is not a reason to suspect you. Let him leave his fears and resentments in the past, they have no place in a new relationship. Of course, the past cannot be erased, but it should not spoil the present.

Rule number 8. Don't let the image of his ex be projected onto you. Yes, maybe his ex wore red underwear, roasted a duck with apples, and loved skiing. But you are not her, and you don’t have to be like her. And if he likes the duck with apples and red linen so much, maybe he shouldn't have divorced?

Rule No. 9. Don't be jealous. It will drop your dignity in his eyes. And in the eyes of his ex, too. If you cannot control yourself, then look for a man without a rich past, but if this particular person is dear to you, accept the fact that there was a woman in his life, but do not compete with her. This is stupid and pointless.

Rule number 10. Be carefull. If a man throws mud at his ex, this is a wake-up call. It may turn out that the divorce was not due to the fact that the wife was bad, but because the man is a misogynist scoundrel. In this case, you should not hope that he will treat you well. Time will pass, and he will pour out a tub of slops on you.

If you are sure that you have met your soul mate, and you are not afraid of possible difficulties, then discard all doubts and fears, arm yourself with the proposed rules - and go! Towards a relationship with the man of your dreams. Albeit not the first freshness.