How to overcome the fear of being alone after a divorce. Relationships after divorce

After a divorce, a woman becomes overwhelmed by the fear of being left alone. She is not scared by the fact that she now does not have a husband, that everything is on her shoulders, that, in fact, she gave the years of her life to the wrong person and made the wrong choice. She is afraid of loneliness, and this fear paralyzes and does not allow moving on. However, the fear of loneliness is easy to defeat, the main thing is to show a little desire ...

White light has converged on you ...

Yes, this is exactly what a woman who will have to go through a divorce thinks. For some reason, she is sure that the light has really come together like a wedge on her husband, that there are no more close and dear people in her environment, and she is definitely waiting for loneliness. But this is not so! If the fair sex herself does not understand this, she should seek help from a specialist.

However, in most cases, women do not need this help, as they are well aware that after a divorce, life does not end, but only begins.

So, if you cannot understand in any way that loneliness will not come to visit you, if you do not let it in, just look around ... Look at the sky, at the trees, at the people passing by, notice how many of them are there.

Definitely, fate is preparing a surprise for you and unforgettable impressions await you. After all, if fate has closed one door behind you, it will certainly open several new ones for you. And you can find those doors that are open in front of you only if you stop being afraid of what is not.

That's right, pay attention to this phrase - there is no loneliness! A person himself in his consciousness invents this fear in order to isolate himself from people, hiding like a snail in a shell. Your close husband is not the only person close to you. There are children around you (if any), but what about your parents and relatives, and close friends! Perhaps some of your close male friends are very happy about your divorce because of their affection for you ... And you do not notice this because of your unreasonable fear.

Eh, walk, walk like that!

Of course, don't say that, but coping with loneliness after a divorce is a task, albeit an easy one, but painstaking. How else? You are used to living according to the order for a certain period of your life, taking care of your husband, cooking, washing, cleaning, ironing, and so on and so forth.

And, what is most interesting, you did not realize at all that because of this family slavery you did not see the white light, with all its sights and interesting events. And now a new life begins for you, and it is best to start it with friends, in some entertainment establishment. And what a sin to conceal, you can at the same time mark the beginning of a new and free life.

Take a look around and start a new life. To begin with, you can start with a small trip and, if possible, with a big one. Go on vacation to relax, both mentally and physically.

Meet more often with relatives and friends, visit a variety of interesting places, and panic fear will be far behind. Moreover, communicate more often with or without it, even though there is emptiness in your soul now, it is better to fill it with positive moments, and not negative ones.

Who is to blame and what to do?

Most often, the feeling of fear of being left alone arises precisely because we do not know how to answer these questions when it comes to divorce. First of all, we begin to blame for the collapse of a social unit either ourselves or our husband - but surely someone must be to blame. Although in fact no one is to blame for anything, just fate has decreed that now your paths - paths diverged in different directions and everyone begins a new life. And constantly looking back, you will not notice what is ahead of you.

To avoid loneliness, you cannot focus on problems alone, feel sorry for yourself, or blame your ex-husband - this, by the way, is a quick and easy way to loneliness.

And, if you ask yourself what to do, then the answer is unequivocal: do nothing! Live on, enjoy every new day and thank fate for another chance to feel what true love is and try to create a real and strong family. If you tune your thoughts to the positive, you will definitely forget forever what loneliness is.

Fate gives you another chance, so you need to use it to the fullest. Do not be afraid of loneliness and let doubt in your heart.

Parting with a loved one is always associated with the pain and sadness of loss. Anyone can feel empty, unsure of themselves and their own strengths, having lost the meaning of moving on.

I broke up several times. I was lucky to avoid the realities of an official divorce, but this did not prevent me from experiencing in all colors the loss and collapse of hopes, a feeling of helplessness and disappointment.

Time is a great healer: pain dulls, memories of past grievances fade. But for some reason, time is not so influential in the area of ​​our fears. Sometimes the fear of a new relationship after a divorce can only get stronger. What are we afraid of and what can we do about it?

Fear of disappointment

Immediately after the breakup, the person experiences fear of a new connection. And it is important to understand that this is natural.

If in your first marriage you are faced, for example, with infidelity, then the subconscious expectation that the new partner can do the same will interfere for some time even at the level of fantasies.

The desire to protect yourself from repeated stress and pain is completely normal. But if this fear is with you all the time, and more than a year has passed since the divorce, and in a conversation with your friends you unconsciously continue to devalue all men, writing them into the category of "traitors", perhaps the moment of truth has come.

No matter how difficult it is to admit it, it is impossible to absolutize negative masculine qualities, because you cannot predict with absolute certainty how and in what situations all the men of the planet Earth will behave.

By hanging labels, you protect yourself from painful experiences, but also deprive yourself of the opportunity to know someone. Your relationship with your ex was built on this model, but all actions have their own reasons. Perhaps he was not a psychologically mature man who could be faithful and have fun with one woman.

Maybe we should stop giving the past so much power over itself? Do not take a suitcase of projections with you into the future, but try, albeit with caution, to build relationships with a new partner.

It is important to learn from the outset to clarify basic points, such as the permissibility of cheating, for example. There is no need to blindly trust someone again - trust is built on mutual understanding and coincidence of worldviews.

Fear of error

If you think that your relationship was a mistake, then, most likely, you will perceive new ones in a similar light.

But divorce or separation is not the result of a choice error. When you got married, you probably made Napoleonic plans and dreamed of living a long and happy life with this man.

But something doesn't always work out the first time. Perhaps divorce was the only way out of a relationship in which there was nothing left but pain, apathy and despair. And only the brave can admit this and stop tormenting themselves or others, including children, who are also unhappy watching their parents showdown.

No one is safe from the fact that a new relationship may also not work out. But do not forget that you already have experience, take it into account and do not rush. Give yourself time to observe the development of events, for your feelings.

Don't overdo it! Fear of being wrong can make you live in a world of constant comparisons of the new chosen one with some abstract ideal on a white (or any other) horse. Remember that the best is the enemy of the good!

Fear that the family will not accept the new partner

I'll start by asking why do you let someone decide whether this man is right for you or not? There may be extreme cases when the new partner himself is not too happy to communicate with your relatives. Find out the reasons.

If he says that he loves you, but does not accept your children (I'm not talking about the difficulties of finding contact with them), then perhaps your fear of entering into a relationship with him, in this case, is adequate.

What does a man feel and do after breaking up with his beloved. In the first month or two? especially if the parting took place on her initiative and both went not to someone, but "to nowhere." Let's shed some light on this dark spot of male psychology. This is how a man is treated for loneliness.

It so happens that a man is left alone. Not a beardless young man whom a classmate refused, not a gray-haired old man for whom the time has come, but an ordinary representative of the stronger sex in full bloom. He and she spent several years under the same roof: making plans, rejoicing, arguing, visiting. We lived - in one word. But now they are not together.

I experienced something like this a couple of years ago and I must admit that I experienced a lot of emotions, hitherto unknown to me and even paradoxical. For example, how emptiness can overwhelm. It was unpromising to ask the question: why am I alone now?
There could be many reasons, but if you do not consider clinical cases, it all boiled down to the fact that someone did not live up to someone's expectations.

Some, having read epic novels or having watched Hollywood masterpieces, believe that in such a situation it is imperative to go on a trip around the world on a yacht or on a journey through Tibet - to get to know yourself, delve into your world, evaluate what you have lived through and draw universal energy from space for future accomplishments. This is all nonsense. When you have a hundred pounds of obligations in the form of not always beloved, but always necessary work, children from the first marriage and a luxurious loan from the second, then traveling around the world is not an option. You stay in Riga. My city is gray. However, as time has shown, your space can be found here as well. My discovery became simple and straightforward: how I spent the first 60 days of loneliness largely determined how I am going to spend the remaining 60 years of my life. No kidding. The choice of the path began literally from the first day.

Point One: Accommodation
Since I felt like a true gentleman, at worst - just a normal man, she remained in the habitable nest after parting, and I left my "home" with one toothbrush. Yes, that's right - with a proudly raised toothbrush in his right hand (the left hand was clutching a stash in his pocket). He muttered something like: honey, I don't need anything, I can handle it. Himself gritted his teeth - and if his hands were not busy with a brush and a stash, he would probably have split the plasma, and the stereo system, and furniture, and the wallpaper from the walls. But he held on as best he could. She, of course, is also not a merciless beast, she gave me a week (and why, in fact, not two hours?) To search for suitable housing. What kind of accommodation was I looking for then? At first I decided: I rent a chic furnished studio in a new building, I will take busty ladies there, throw mind-blowing parties, so that a neighbor with a puncher (and there will definitely be one) bent with envy once. As an idea - nothing like that, a C with a plus. But in fact, everything turned out to be different. It's not that the maintenance of a good apartment hit my already battered budget. And not that even in the most sophisticated house there was always a lack of some little things that were always at hand while we lived together. I was always alone. I woke up alone, went out into the kitchen alone, had breakfast, staring at the white-sided refrigerator, went to work without a wish for luck, returned to a dark, empty apartment, silently chewing on a hastily prepared dinner. The worst thing is that I constantly thought, thought, thought: about her, about the past, about the unfulfilled, about the mistakes of my own and hers. What's next? And then - one day I "found" myself in a bathrobe, the eighth (tenth?) Day not shaved, on the table there are slices of pizza, empty bottles from under everything in a row, TV, playstation and Facebook are working at the same time. I was horrified - is this really my Tibet?
A clear realization came that the first days (weeks, months - how lucky) of loneliness should not become lonely in the literal sense of the word. The idea was thrown up by a friend who passed his “path of enlightenment” before me: “You cannot be alone. I won't let myself in, we'll get drunk. To begin with, you will live with the "old woman-pawnbroker", tea is not Raskolnikov, you will not grab an ax. " He was right a thousand times over. A quiet, neat woman of Balzac's age became almost invisible in my new life. But at the same time, there was no hint of loneliness. I came to the kitchen and saw that someone else was using the stove, in the bathroom there was not only my shaving cream (it’s before, after, and instead of shaving), but also a hundred other incomprehensible jars. I'm not alone! I was polite and attentive and could always address all the little things. Out of detergent? - please. Do you need a frying pan? - for God's sake. Vacuum cleaner? - standing in the corner. By God, it's like returning to my mother, only no one will lament: "My son, you are my unlucky one, how are you so alone now." Naturally, renting a room is an extremely temporary step, and it would be rather strange to live like that for the rest of your life. But for the first time, the option turned out to be ideal.

Point two: Friends
Friends had to be treated especially delicately. Riga is a small city, and if I had not told them, they would soon have learned about my new status. Then misunderstandings would begin like - "why didn't you say, but we could do anything ..." and all that. So, without unnecessary delay, he notified the inner circle of the situation on the family front. With the advent of a lot of free time, I felt an urgent need to see them, talk "for life", sit - as in the good old days. But here by itself one caveat was revealed. Friends had to mentally be divided into free and not free. It turned out that those who are “happily and for a long time” married (just like me a month ago) are unlikely to be an excellent company for me. I was, as it were, not on the same wavelength with them.

They are good guys, but none of them from their belfry can understand and feel the trouble I call at eleven o'clock in the evening and try to intrigue me with the presence of a bottle of Calvados. In response, I usually received something like - “old man, I would love to, but we are here with mine, this, we started cleaning, and we will go to work tomorrow. Let's call each other this week, meet and sit? " Let's. But I didn't call back, and neither did they. Why? Maybe because the other half of them gently hinted that she was against night gatherings in the company of a now lonely, and therefore a free friend. It is understandable - suddenly her faithful will "breathe in the air of freedom", "will be peddled", "will take a spree until the morning", "will be tempted to temptation." Nonsense, of course, but they were absolutely sure that I would teach her Volodenka (Sasha, Petenka) badly. And they were damn right! Because I didn’t need “simple human interaction” - blah blah blah, like women.

I needed real male therapy. And it was the second type of friends that suited her. These are those who are either still looking for their soul mate, or are in the phase of "free relationship" with their woman. Experience has shown that in no case should you choose those who are in the same position as me - have just parted. This is true: if two seriously ill patients are prescribed treatment for each other, this only leads to complications. And I found the right friends. Two. It was they who arranged for me a course of real male therapy. As it turned out, this was the most important and at the same time the sweetest in my state of loneliness. Can you imagine? They slipped me a medicine that worked, and it tasted good, not bitter or sour!

Point Three: Therapy itself
Its essence was to do a lot of interesting and pleasant things in the company of friends - that which I had denied myself more than once, being "not free". The activities were supposed to be simple, straightforward and purely fun. Alcoholic drinks were welcome. A couple of times they even sorted it out specifically. But only in the company and on the occasion. So, the first weekend is a trip to a good expensive nightclub. We immediately decided that trips to the Shalman, where a crowd of gopniks start dancing under Verka Serduchka, would end in a police monkey or an X-ray at the emergency room. “Ha-ra-sho! Everything will be harasho! " Will. But elsewhere. We chose a really decent establishment with a dress code and an expensive bar. We met at eight o'clock at the apartment of one of our friends.

The owner arranged for us a hearty homemade dinner, because he understood that it was simply impossible to hold out until the morning on the magic trio - redbull, whiskey, cigarette. Strong alcohol also came in handy at dinner. We drank a little, 300 grams per person, because going to a club “without preparation” is an unforgivable wastefulness - and then, not to the theater, we gathered. When the time came to midnight, we - cheerful, well-fed, cheerful, full of energy and in good spirits - went to the club.

We came there just to spend money in good company in an atmosphere of fun. Nobody owes us anything, there are good people around - just like us. Therefore, they easily entered into conversations and ended them easily, to the right and left they treated the girls with cocktails, leaving the bartender a latik after each purchase. The girls were invited to dance. She agreed - great, but I was not impudent, if I refused - I smiled, thanked her for looking great, and bought her another cocktail. And so on until the morning! We came as a team and left all together. The next day we phoned, met in the evening in a restaurant, discussed the last night, laughed. We were terribly pleased with ourselves.

On the second weekend - a trip to brothels. In the truest sense of the word. Previously, on the Internet, friends studied the places where it was decided to look "for the light." It is the place, not the place. These jokers chose three at once: “Nothing, Plato, you can handle it. Probably, I haven't seen real aunts for a long time, you are all staring at the monitor. How did you guess, smart guys? Knowing my preferences, they ordered me girls - the best, in their opinion. The girls they liked were reserved for a specific time, they made a kind of schedule for our sex tour. As it turned out, they chose really the best. Often, with such a choice, men are complex and choose those that are simpler. But this was not our option - the whole point of real male therapy was to enjoy the very best.

The third weekend was marked by a trip to a real Russian bath. If the previous actions were a kind of pleasant immersion into the abyss, now there was a kind of ritual of purification. We didn’t start to make a bacchanalia out of this with gypsies and girls of easy virtue - the nineties were over. There are many good saunas with good steam in Riga. Brooms were taken from a peasant in the Central Bazaar, he has been selling them there for fifteen years now - you cannot find the best brooms in the whole city. We chose a quiet place in the suburbs with a bath attendant who either beat us from the heart, then gently patted us - a magician, in a word. He lashed us off with all three types: birch, oak and juniper. And he constantly hounded greasy anecdotes. I remember one now - about the yeti who caught the climber. A tragic story in fact, but we laughed to tears.

The bathhouse is beautiful because everyone is equal in it, there is no fuss and rush. Topics of conversation range from politics to black holes in deep space. What can I say, the bathhouse is a whole culture. Then we sat in a barbecue and ate a good meal. By this time, I was already clearly aware that everything was for the best. Everything. On the fourth weekend my friends took me fishing. We went for a couple of days and as far from the city as possible. House by the lake. Silence and tranquility of the virgin forest. Everything that could bother me remained far, far away - and as if it did not exist. I am not a fan of fishing and a gorgeous catch "from such" fish was not an end in itself, but it turned out to be exactly what I needed now. I rested, enjoyed every minute of the early morning. What is that Tibet? What dawns in Latgale! Seeing how a new day was born, I felt with every cell how a new I was being born - free, calm, inevitable and strong, like the rising sun.

This is how my first 60 days of loneliness went. I must admit that we repeated some of the therapy. Something more than once. Actually, why did I need all this? They helped me realize that I would not be forever alone. But to embark on a search for your soul mate with a broken heart would be a deliberately disastrous enterprise. I cleared my brain, put my thoughts in order, pulled myself together. I needed time, but it was at this time that I was not supposed to be alone. Something like that.

… Everything in my life really turns out the way I intended. But, for some reason, this does not bring me happiness. Family relations with her husband did not develop and reached a critical point. I wanted to get a divorce and be left alone. And so it happened. I thought that then it would be easy and good for me because of the absence of constant stress and scandals.

Only loneliness brought neither relief nor happiness. Memories often roll up and it seems that something can be fixed. To be honest, I'm just afraid to be alone. In fact, I have never lived alone. Now with her parents, then with her husband. And somehow she made them responsible for her life. Now I am face to face with my demons. And I just can't understand: where to go and how to live on. I want me to have love and a close-knit family.

But at the moment I have the feeling that loneliness is given for some awareness of myself and my tasks. I was too fixated on my husband and child, completely forgetting about myself. And after that, build relationships on a new, healthier foundation. But, after all, you can look for yourself for a long time, at least all your life ... and loneliness is given to me hard and sad. It is impossible to become happy and fulfilled in this state. All the time it seems that I am somehow inferior.

So it turns out a vicious circle. Lonely - because I run away from myself in the direction of relationships. And it is for this reason that the relationship does not add up. Now I am thinking how to open this circle. Maybe you need to accept yourself and become happy and loved, first of all, with yourself? But in words, I understand it well. And here's how to realize it in life. I can't quite imagine ...

Catherine

Loneliness, emptiness, the feeling that you will never meet a worthy man now ... - everything that Catherine wrote about in her letter is familiar to almost every woman.How can you survive this period of loneliness and expectation of new love, while not falling into depression and not losing the feeling of your femininity?

Let's start with the main thing - with our desires and fears.Because the direction of our thoughts determines the reality and perception of what is happening. If the fear of being alone is stronger than the desire to be loved and create a happy relationship, then fear will prevail.. And in this case, it is very likely that the woman will step on the same rake, that is, she will fail in a new relationship. Or he will unknowingly avoid relationships and at the same time suffer from loneliness.To begin with, you just need to honestly ask yourself: why do I continue to believe that the new relationship will be with scandals, misunderstandings, etc.? Do I want this? No.

That is, this is how I emphasize that a woman does not have an image of a happy relationship, and if there is an image, then it is rather negative (a woman may not be aware of this moment). And since an image, a picture for a woman is a compass that guides her through life, it means that there is no main thing.The answer to the question: how will I feel when I have a happy relationship? And what prevents me from filling my life with these states now? For example, joy and self-love. Is it impossible to love yourself and rejoice now? And for this you need to wait for the appearance of a man?

Therefore, focusing your attention (external and internal) is on the desire to create a harmonious family.And external attention here will be the ability to notice and see men, consciously removing resentments and fears, and internal attention is the creation of that spiritual foundation (thoughts, feelings, moods, faith) - which will become the embodiment of the state: I am a woman who deserves a happy relationship.

The outer manifestation and the inner essence are always interconnected. Therefore, if a woman does not see men around her, then her inner state will be disappointment and the pain of loneliness. And, conversely, if there is joy and love inside, then its external manifestations will attract men.

From childhood, by the example of parents and acquaintances, the girl sees that a normal woman has a husband, children ... In other words, a family. Therefore, if a woman is suddenly left alone, she begins to see and emphasize her "abnormality".

And here the limited vision of oneself and the perception of the role of a Woman is evident: I am a woman if I am a wife and a mother ...But the wife is only one facet of the female state, therefore life gives a woman the opportunity to reveal her other facets. To become a woman, without reference to relationships and men.

New state: I am a woman who reveals herself in any roles and states.

For example, if we take the revealed femininity as 100%, then in the state “woman = wife and mother” only 20-50% sounds. And the remaining 50-80% remain unused.

The most important misconception in the sphere of relationships is the perception of the situation and the vision of it only at extreme points: I have a family - everything is good or I am lonely - everything is bad. If you look closely, we almost always see only these two poles. And the path between these points remains hazy, blurry. It doesn't seem to be there.

And as with each status: I am alone or married, we have certain attitudes that have been developed by our own experience or taken from other people, you can easily imagine the picture that develops in a woman who was left alone after a divorce.

There is no man, there is no stability, everything will have to be done by herself, and if this man also changes ... And you also need to look for a man, be disappointed, and what if it is better not to find my husband (or a thought-block that there really is no better man if the initiator divorce was not a woman), etc.

As a rule, having a family or a husband is a kind of protection, a "wall" for a woman. And unconsciously the woman clings to this wall. And he is afraid of losing.Divorce or separation makes a woman face to face with her fears and see what she hid from herself when she was married: her doubts, self-doubt, fear of being abandoned, immaturity, rejection of her appearance, disbelief that she could be loved. ..

If you look closely at the situation, then divorce, separation or forced loneliness set a task for a woman - to learn to love. And the importance of this task is growing!

I could not discover in myself this ability to love and be love, being in a relationship, life complicates the lesson.

The formula for this tutorial might look like this:

I am a woman + (ability to love yourself and a man) = relationship

We now have:

I am a woman (have doubts?) + I know how to love myself and a man (have doubts?) = Relationship ???

That is, in the second version, we get an equation where all three variables may already be unknown. And first you need to find at least two: find yourself as a woman and learn to love. Love yourself and men and realize what kind of relationship the soul wants.

You need to start the path to a new relationship with awareness and acceptance of the situation.

1.First in your soul. Letting go of feelings of guilt and resentment against a man. Consider past relationships as an important lesson and movement towards your present, and not as punishment, etc.

2.Remove negative emotions from the inner space... Not by suppressing them, but by living the whole gamut of feelings and their subsequent release. There is a law of energy balance. Allow yourself to get angry for 5 minutes, but then you need to devote 10 minutes to joy. That is, do not get stuck in the negative.

3.Discover a new self... Perceive the time of your loneliness as a period when you can reveal those feminine facets and states that were undeveloped in past relationships.

4.Gradually learn to see men as men... Do not force yourself to love and admire them, but to rejoice for a start that there are men. Accept help from men, signs of attention. Maintain communication, and not try to see in every acquaintance the one who will save from loneliness.

5.Answer three important questions: what do i want to be? What kind of relationship do I want? How and to what extent is my love for myself shown?

Remember the formula I gave above. The brighter you sound like a woman, the sooner a man will come into your life. The more self-love, the easier it is for you to reveal yourself.

6.Accept that femininity is not necessarily marriage... Remove from consciousness this dependence of your state on the presence of relationships.

7.Do not force yourself to build a relationship if you don't want to... In a relationship, you can only give what we have. If there is no harmony inside, what kind of family can we talk about?

8.Find the hidden benefits of your loneliness... Why am I okay with my loneliness? And below write everything that comes to mind. For example, being alone you can feel sorry for yourself. If the habit of being a victim is your scenario, then loneliness is one of the easy ways to achieve your "goal."

9.Show a sense of humor... Excessive seriousness, suffering is unlikely to help you find inner harmony.

10.Perceive your loneliness as a vacation of your own accord :)

11.Get out of the vicious circle of thoughts - "lonely - not alone"... If in your environment there is at least one man with whom you communicate, even in a friendly way, on business issues, then you have a relationship in the "man-woman" key. And the task is different: to find or bring these relationships to that level of sounding when you sound like a woman in these relationships. That is, your inner state makes you happy. It is easy for you, you smile and love life. It is your job to be the sounding woman to the maximum in the communication that is.

In conclusion, I would like to quote a letter from a woman who in her own words confirms the truth that the most important thing is the inner state. Indeed, in a state of love, a woman will never be alone.

"When I divorced my ex-husband, too, consciously, I rejoiced at freedom, but my joy lasted a month. Then I was scared: two children need to be raised. They were 10 and 11 years old.

After 2 months I met with Sergei and after half a year I got married.

Now you have time to take care of yourself, as they say, clean up, think about what led you and your husband to divorce, find a reason and work with it so that the same situation does not happen again, you cannot run away from yourself.

Life is so wise. She will constantly serve you the same thing until you understand it. And it will be a vicious circle. So that he does not repeat himself in your happy future life, it is important to thank your husband and the situation, to stay in a wonderful relationship with him. "