How to live with an unloved person. How to live with an unloved husband? And is it worth it?… Living with an unloved species

Irina

Living a long time in marriage, at some point you realize that the person you married is not so loved by you. You no longer yearn in his absence, do not admire his every word and deed, do not thrill with happiness when he touches you. And every day you realize more and more with horror that you don’t love your spouse and don’t know how to live with your unloved husband further. Yes, there is a habit, there is, perhaps, respect, some kind of attachment. But love, alas, is no more. The majority of wives are quite content with this position. Like, what kind of love can we talk about if there is a common house, common children, common goals, finally! Yes, and they just got used to each other, got used to it, adapted. But there are also wives who suffer next to an unloved man, for whom, a shared bed, sex is like hell, but at the same time, they do not dare to somehow change their lives. Are they right? Well, let's try to find the answer to this difficult question.

Lelik

It's a topic that I think is a problem for a lot of people...

Everyone has their own opinion, of course. I think just "dislike" cannot destroy what has been created over the years ... If there is friendship, respect, and even the habit of being together and taking care of each other - yes, this is even cooler than love! Love is emotions, euphoria... It passes sooner or later anyway...

I left, for example, though I have aggravating ...:) I'm not sorry! We have only one life.

Nata

My opinion - many live because it is convenient. Husband - because life is covered, wife - because the rear is covered (at least somehow) financially. If we take Russia as a whole, and not Moscow and the Moscow Region, then the family allows us to survive in relatively comfortable conditions. No matter how sad it may sound. There are couples who have not killed love in themselves over the years, there are those who are satisfied with the friendship and respect of their partner, someone needs status (I'm married !!!), etc. Everyone has their own reasons and skeletons. Real happy families are sooooooo few :(
If, as you write hell, then definitely run. Only over the years this "run" is transformed into "endure - fall in love." Not everyone is capable of such a feat. You need to have a strong will, iron character and self-confidence.

Is there an answer to this question? My deep conviction is that if wives, as you wrote, are suffering and life is hell, but they do not dare to somehow change their lives, then there is something more important for them in such a life. And, of course, they are right. Well, if they can realize what holds them, and then make a conscious choice - whatever it is, it will be their choice, which we, as others, will respect.
In general, there are a lot of questions to such a situation: What is love? People have very different meanings for this word. Should there be love in marriage? Previously, they didn’t think about it at all, and now for many it’s not a paramount thing. And what is marriage and family, after all? Why are they needed in general and for a specific person?

Irina

Answers to two questions - I am a victim, because I will get a heart injury from my children, because they are madly in love with their father, and they see us together as an ideal couple, because I have never shown my feelings to children or others "how hard it is for me." And I will lose respect for myself, I will feel like the last bastard, because, pushing him away, and he is weak, he will drink, and become an alcoholic, and there is no person, and this is a betrayal.

Irina, of course, it is difficult to leave her husband, to whom, although there is no attraction, physical attraction, they still lived together for many years, raised children, especially if a woman considers herself strong, and her husband is weak, in fact, another child .. .
On the other hand, being strong all the time is hard, and you want support ...

Answers to two questions - I am a victim, because I will get a heart injury from my children., because they are madly in love with their father, and they see us together as an ideal couple, because. I have never shown my feelings to the children or others, "how hard it is for me." And if I lose respect for myself, I will feel like the last bastard, because, pushing him away, and he is weak, he will drink, and become an alcoholic, and there is no person, and this is a betrayal.

You have described a dead end. You take a step there - trauma to the children, and you feel guilty from the fact that you turned out to be a bad mother, you take a step there - loss of self-respect, the feeling that the last bastard has become a traitor. And in the middle - there is no love, at least sad, and even depressive, cravings, sharpness of feelings have disappeared. Many things in her husband became annoying to such an extent that the general bed and sex is hell. And sometimes there is despair, because there is no way out.

Does it look like this? Or how? Correct or add.

Irina

That's right, but I found a small, but a loophole for myself. Fortunately, his work allows me to often not be around, I have an interesting job where I spend most of my time at work, after fitness. True, the night ... but the morning comes - great, my day has begun. He is also unhappy with me, because he knows and feels that there is no love.

I wanted to write "but how are you still alive with this ?!" , after reading the first two words in your answer "everything is right", and then I read about the loophole.
It turns out that with the help of this loophole, how long are you ready to live like this?

Tell me, when you posted a message on this site, what did you want to clarify for yourself?

But there are also wives who suffer next to an unloved man, for whom, a shared bed, sex is like hell, but at the same time, they do not dare to somehow change their lives. Are they right? Well, let's try to find the answer to this difficult question.

Everyone has their own truth.
The question "are they right?", in my opinion, is evaluative, as if such women should be condemned or justified. Life is much more complicated, both external and internal, and we can only hypothetically assume about the motives for their patience. In this topic, it would be interesting for me to understand for myself what internal logic they follow when making their life "hell", why do they need it? what are they afraid of? or, on which they do not really dare.

The concept of "marriage for love" is quite young - it is not yet a hundred years old. This is the acquisition of modern society. Our grandparents didn't marry for love. Their marriages were arranged by their parents. And the mutual sympathy of a young couple was rarely taken into account. It was just such virtues as the ability of the future wife to conduct a good housekeeping, and the future husband to fully provide for the family financially, that were taken into account. The pillars that hold a marriage together have always been: understanding, trust, support, mutual assistance. If this is present in a marriage, then it can be considered strong and happy. But if it is not there, what LOVE can make it so? And if this is present in marriage, how can the arrival or departure of LOVE destroy it?

He is also unhappy with me, because he knows and feels that there is no love.

How do you feel knowing this?

Irina

Svetlana

Just leave without a second thought. As soon as I realized. There are no more options.

Kolya

"Emotions, euphoria ..." - this is the iris of love, here it dissolves in life, and time tests the truth and depth of love!

When getting married, every girl thinks that this is forever. But after the wedding, it becomes clear how different people you really are, and his innocent habits began to annoy you. Where has love gone? The question involuntarily arises: whether to live with an unloved husband or file for divorce.

What's in the article:

The main reasons for disappointment in a husband

Feelings are gone, and disappointment has settled in their place. But do not jump to conclusions and make decisions. Think about what caused the situation. The main thing is to identify the source of constant irritation and dissatisfaction with her husband.

Unfulfilled dreams

Many women, having met the man of their dreams, imagine him in their fantasies as some kind of ideal. They rush into the abyss of a new romance and see only the positive features of their chosen one. Character flaws are sometimes considered a trifle that can be easily corrected. As a result, the girl gets a husband whose image is far from the ideal drawn in her head. All attempts to change a man lead to failure. A beautiful fairy tale collapses in an instant and disappointment comes to her husband.

Gray everyday life

As a rule, dates and meetings before marriage take place in a romantic setting. It seems that life next to this man will be like a fairy tale, in which a woman will be a princess. After the wedding, the first months of life together will be filled with love and romance. But soon, the pink fog dissipates, ordinary everyday life begins. The husband goes to work, you keep clean, cook food. The routine of daily chores absorbs love and romanticism. Life becomes ordinary and begins to burden you with its dullness.

Unexpected Problems

Many women become depressed at the first difficulties of family life. It can be a disease of a loved one, financial difficulties, debts. They throw out their dissatisfaction on the already unloved husband, take offense at him. There is some tension in the relationship, which results in constant quarrels. A woman faces a choice whether to live with her unloved husband or not.

interpersonal gap

When there is no mutual understanding between husband and wife, the solution of the problems that have arisen is very difficult. The accumulated discontent and difficulties alienate the couple from each other. The words spoken during a quarrel remain in the memory for a long time, they sit there like a sick splinter and do not give rest even in moments of peace. You no longer have common hobbies, everyone is doing their own thing, practically not communicating with a partner. This behavior can lead to divorce.

How can you live with a husband you don't love?

Often there are moments when a woman is ready to leave her unloved husband, but for some reason does not do it. The reason may be material dependence on a man or even physical. When it is impossible to overcome such attachment, then you need to understand how to live with an unloved husband.

Nature has arranged it so that women are more emotional than men. The feeling of love can cause them a storm of various emotions. It can be passion, tenderness, and sometimes pity or even hatred.

If you do not feel negative emotions for your unloved husband, then try to reduce communication with him. Work, children or a favorite hobby will help with this. You can go on a trip or to a resort. Some women devote themselves completely to household chores, trying to be the perfect hostess. There are quite a few methods for getting rid of the problem, but this only works when you have the moral strength to hide true feelings for your unloved husband, pretending that you love and appreciate him.

When life with an unloved husband becomes unbearable, then you should not torture yourself and it is better to leave. In this case, psychologists give advice to speak frankly with your spouse and explain the situation. There is always a way out, the main thing is that there is a desire to look for it.

Reasons for the existence of "indifferent" marriages

So all the same, how to live next to an unloved husband? The advice of psychologists in this matter can be divided into two opposite camps:

• Some say that it is possible, and sometimes even necessary, to endure and live on for the sake of preserving the family. The main thing is to prioritize and highlight for yourself the main goal for which it is necessary to maintain an indifferent marriage.
• The second argue that such a relationship is doomed. Do not waste your life and the life of an unloved husband in vain. It is better to leave, go through a divorce and devote yourself to new feelings and emotions.

Divorce is not uncommon in today's society. Passed love, went to the registry office and everything, long live freedom. But life doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. There are a number of reasons why a woman lives with an unloved husband, not daring to divorce:

• The wedding was arranged by the parents. Wildness? But even today it is not uncommon. In some countries, there is still a tradition when the marriage is arranged by the parents. Rarely love breaks out between husband and wife. Most often, a couple is forced to get used to each other and live without feelings.
• Divorce is a disgrace. In this case, religious views do not always play a decisive role. In some families, the breakup of the family leaves a stain on the reputation of the whole family. Relatives give advice on how to save the family. People think about what kind of resonance a divorce will cause among fellow villagers or neighbors. Think about the question, for whom do you live, for yourself or the people around you? Life is one, and, unfortunately, it is so short that you should not waste it on an unloved husband.
• Fear of loneliness. Some women underestimate themselves. They believe that the appearance is not the same, and the character is not the same. It is impossible to divorce an unloved husband, as you will have to live out your life alone. Psychologists say that you should not be afraid to be alone. In the life of every person, without fail, sooner or later there is a person with whom you want to live your whole life.
• Preservation of the family for the sake of the child. This is a fairly common occurrence. Often in such families the child is exalted above all else, and all forces are put into gratifying children's whims. A woman has to decide how to live with an unloved husband for the sake of a child who is acutely aware of the tension between the parents. As a result, a woman will harbor a grudge against her own child, for a failed personal life. Perhaps it would be better to divorce an unloved husband and start looking for your happiness.

Checking the Feelings

After several years of marriage, the relationship between husband and wife takes on a different form. The old passion subsides, and new emotions come to replace it. This often happens after the baby is born. Many women are frightened by such changes, starting to think that they have stopped loving their husband. But this is absolutely not true. Over the years, love takes on new forms, it becomes better, stronger. Relationships become more trusting, sometimes similar to friendships.

In such situations, psychologists give advice to check their feelings. It's pretty easy to do this. Imagine that your missus has a mistress. What feelings arise in your soul? Or the husband left forever in another city. Will you follow him? If you are willing to stand up for your happiness, then love has simply taken on a different form. If the fantasies did not cause any emotions, then love is gone and you need to decide to live with your unloved husband or leave.

Having understood your own feelings, it is important to make the right decision. Living with an unloved husband or starting to build a new happy life is up to you. Be happy!

There are many reasons why couples get into a relationship. Fear of loneliness is far from the last place on this list. Many people are afraid to stay in old age in an empty home and want someone to remember them after death. The family provides insurance and security. “To endure - to fall in love”, - so they say among the people. However, many psychologists believe that loneliness is by no means the worst option if relationships based on habit are on the opposite side of the scale. Today we will talk about why it is impossible to live with an unloved person.

1. Misconceptions about happiness

Society and modern culture have planted in the minds of many people the idea that single men or women cannot be happy. Before your eyes - an example of parents, more "lucky" friends. And they all vying with each other are interested in when to expect radical changes in your life. However, this view is fundamentally wrong. Just because you have another person next to you, you will not find happiness. For an ideal union with someone, one big condition is necessary - love. Imagine what happens if marriage is not based on feelings?

2. Lots of restrictions

By letting another person into your house, you limit your life, your rights, but at the same time you acquire additional responsibilities. Both of you will try to live according to the pattern, limiting your own desires and needs, just because it is accepted, and "everyone does it." On the other hand, you limit the desires and needs of the other person. Now you both have to adapt to each other. In such conditions, life without feelings is like hell, where each of the partners wants to be alone with himself in order to finally breathe freely. Realize that finding a partner is not the equivalent of success or a sign of entering adulthood.

3. Relationships for the sake of relationships will soon run out of steam.

A lonely person is free to do as he wants, and he has the main thing: freedom of choice. Currently, as an alternative to the usual family lifestyle, there are several options for relationships at once. People actively practice unstamped unions, guest marriages and "love at a distance." It is worth forever linking your fate with another person only when you understand that you are making each other's life better. If your couple is haunted by conflicts and dissatisfaction, sooner or later such an alliance will exhaust itself.

4. New social connections

Relationships without love do not eliminate the need for regular meetings with friends or relatives of the partner. You will follow all these rules of etiquette, and it will be difficult for you to feel true sympathy for complete strangers. When a person is lonely, at any moment he can leave the party, citing urgent matters. Nobody will keep it. If he wants to communicate, he goes to a bar and talks to strangers there. And it does not matter at all whether he will see his new companions someday or not. He does not need to look back at his partner every time or catch the reproachful glances of his relatives. By doing one way or another, he will not hurt anyone's feelings. People living in megacities see several hundred faces every day, they may not consider themselves lonely at all. All doors are open to you, and there is no reason to tie yourself with a strong rope to a person who, by and large, is indifferent to you.

5. Relationships without love make people even more lonely.

When you want to choose a new thing, you carry several things into the fitting room at once. When you try on a model of someone else's ideal life, no one can guarantee that this model will fit "like a glove." Gradually, you will begin to feel that you exist in a simulated reality. This sensation leads to feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction. Relationships themselves do not bring happiness on a silver platter. Probably no one warned you about this. Two people who live with each other is just the sum of two people. If you understand that there is no turning back, and your relationship is based on lies and deceit, you will feel much more alone.

We met, got to know each other, liked each other ... You meet, get to know each other, have a good time and, it would seem, everything is fine. So it seems at first glance. After some time, you decide to get married, everything goes according to plan ...

Wedding, honeymoon, gatherings of newly-made relatives are already behind. Ordinary, domestic family life began. It is she who shows the real picture of feelings. Unless, of course, initially there were no doubts about the latter. And if they were, then it confirms them.

To marry (marry), by definition, it is necessary only for your person (beloved, the best - as you wish). If at the beginning of the relationship there was no such opinion about the person, I have bad news for you.

As the famous psychotherapist Mikhail Litvak said, touching on the topic of marriage and divorce: "Most people get married for any reason except one true one - to start a family."

I can't help but agree with him. Indeed, many people register marriages because: it’s time (age), parents (relatives) insisted, the girl got pregnant, it’s necessary (like everyone else), parents promised to buy an apartment, someone’s business is promising, it’s customary for normal people and so on - there are a lot of reasons, and they can be quite different.

So, normal people don't do that - they don't do that. They seriously approach the issue of creating a family as a separate, smallest, but comfortable cell of society. And this is accepted by people who are psychologically immature, unprepared, irresponsible for themselves and for their lives, infantile personalities.

If you are adequate, psychologically mature, mature and responsible for yourself and your life, then you will not marry just because: it’s necessary, your parents said, everyone does it, etc. And, moreover, you will not seek to officially (and not only) connect your life with a person just because it is good with him or even because there are no other candidates besides him. An independent and mature person is responsible for himself and for his every action, not to mention serious changes in his life. Infantile, frivolous, irresponsible and frivolous people are not capable of this - they choose what is simpler - and thereby shift their responsibility to others, allowing themselves not to think about anything and not to worry. But you still have to worry when problems begin - and they, as a rule, begin sooner or later ...

What to do in this situation? Of course, blame everyone else! And again, shift your responsibility and your mistakes to someone else. This is how mentally immature people think. Something doesn't work? So of course the wife does nothing (I have a less decent expression on my mind). Husband does not earn, drinks, walks? Yeah, he turned out to be a jerk, who knew ...

Closer to the topic - the described couple of examples are far from the only ones that exist, but they describe the essence - if something goes wrong, it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t stick, then the only one who does nothing is you. And the same with the jerk - I have not the best news for such a person.

No one is immune from mistakes, wrong choice, circumstances. No one is born initially absolutely mature, wise, responsible for his life and himself. They come to this. Over time, but come. And everyone has a different time. Of course, there are those who do not want to learn anything, do not want to change anything and let everything go by itself.

In the above situation (if any) there are two ways.

The first is to remain the way you are, constantly shifting responsibility for your life to others, while not forgetting to blame them for all your failures, somehow trying to live on, constantly complaining and blaming everyone around (the easier way, the usual for a person who is not ready to accept the truth as it is and begin to change).

The second way - it's more difficult - to face the circumstances and the truth, realize your mistakes, understand which decisions were wrong, what all this taught you and start changing yourself and your life - slowly but surely. Strive to be an objectively evaluating person - actions, deeds, decisions. Become an adult, independent of other people, adequately and soberly approach everything, begin to take responsibility for your life and every action you take. Gain courage and leave the unloved person, admitting your mistakes. Break off long-outdated relationships that bring nothing but negative emotions. You can continue the positive criteria for quite a long time.

Everyone chooses for himself.

But, returning to the topic of why you should not connect your life with an unloved person, I will continue.

Living with an unloved person is quarrels, scandals, resentment, omissions, unwillingness to develop and be better, constant reproaches, consolation in friends / girlfriends / alcohol, anger, hatred and everything that comes from this - everyone has different ways and manifests itself to varying degrees .

If at first it was good with a person, but there were no strong feelings - the best thing you can do is run away right away. Without looking back and without stopping. If, however, he was “lucky” to stay and tie his life in bonds with this person, then an obviously unenviable fate is expected. Everything is always good in the beginning. And there are no problems, none. But they start later ... When life comes into force, a person no longer wants to try for you and shows his true face. But he doesn’t want to try and work on relationships for only one reason - there is no love. Most likely, both on his part and on yours. At least on one side, for sure. Simply, it was convenient. So it was necessary...

And then the family life of two supposedly loving people begins to turn into hell. Not literally, but psychologically. It is possible that it is also physical ... It is easy to determine this - all sorts of garbage begins (I apologize for the not quite correct word) in the form of changed / swelled / does not work / yelled / saws / hysteria / infuriates and all that. It's best to leave at the first sign. Immediately and forever.

For people who really love and strive to protect each other in a relationship, this does not happen. They have warmth of feelings, care for each other, understanding, mutual support and, of course, true love. The real one, yes. It happens and is (although it is much less common). They had it first. And it goes on...

Of course, people who love each other also have problems in relationships, but because they love and appreciate each other, all problems, difficult tasks and situations are solved calmly and deliberately from both sides, everyone's opinion is taken into account.

His person, beloved and loving - will appreciate, cherish, take into account the opinion of a partner, love not only with a word, but also prove his feelings with deeds (by deeds, whatever). And just such a person is worth waiting for - consciously and meaningfully, without clinging to dubious personalities on the path of life.

Life with the unloved (oops) is not a joy. This, I think, is known to most adults. I don’t know the author that I really liked the phrase: “Now you are 20, 30 years old and you have found a person for living together - this is certainly good, but think about when you are 50, 60 years old - will you wake up one morning with the thought that practically most of your life has been spent with an unloved person?Won't you understand that you don't love this person who lives and sleeps with you all the time, never loved and would not want your best years?" Something like this - I don’t remember verbatim now, of course, but I think that I expressed the idea. And one more: "Is the person who is with you now really your favorite or are you just filling a void with him?"

Sometimes it is useful to ask yourself such questions - it clarifies a lot, at least to yourself - for sure. After all, each of us knows exactly what he wants. Sometimes he does not pay attention to this or simply ignores his own desires due to circumstances.

However, I think everyone can draw a conclusion for themselves. And everyone decides for himself - with whom to live, how to live and with whom to connect his life.

Beloved person will or not - the choice is yours. But people make mistakes too. You can't live without mistakes at all. The main thing is to understand in time, draw a conclusion and take appropriate measures.

P.S. Mistakes are not terrible, their consequences and not taking measures to eliminate them are terrible. Learn from mistakes. They are needed for further development and understanding of how to act correctly in a given situation. It's not so bad to make a mistake as not to understand it.

Always do what you want, draw conclusions, change for the better and be with your loved ones.