Why is there no mutual understanding with the mother. My mom doesn't understand me, we fight all the time
How can I convey to my mother this is all that I do not need hype, photographers and guests. After all, this is our day.
No relationship with mother
Hello Maria!I sympathize, you are in a position and have to worry about quarrels with your mother. Mom can be understood - the marriage of a daughter (only?) An event that concerns not only you, but also your mother and the whole family. She wants to share the joy with her relatives.
Your position is also understandable - you want peace of mind, not to draw attention to pregnancy, to “hide” from prying eyes - sometimes a woman in a position feels this way.
“Yes, we will not come” - most likely, it is said in the hearts during a quarrel.
What can help your mom feel heard? How can you honor her need without compromising your decision?
Perhaps you should ask your mother why she wants a wedding so much? She did not have her own wedding, she wants to "recoup"? She is ashamed in front of her relatives, does not want to be known as a miser?
Perhaps you will offer her after the birth of the baby, in a year, to celebrate the anniversary of the wedding in a larger circle, if there is a desire? Or do you plan to test your feelings for each other and get married, then invite relatives to the ceremony?
Maria, an article about relationships with my mother to help
Good afternoon
My mother is 67 years old. I am 43 years old, my daughter is 13 years old. We all live in the same apartment. My mom's husband is dead and I'm divorced. The problem in my relationship with my mother: This has been happening for many years: my mother does not take into account my interests, does not respect my opinion, dismisses my advice. But if strangers tell her the same thing, she agrees with them and does as they advised. Although before that I told her the same thing. If I watch a movie on the computer, she can come up, stop the movie and sit down to play computer game. Completely disregarding my interests. I made comments to her, tried to discuss the situation - she only gets very offended, pouts at me and can not talk to me for weeks. Accuses of ingratitude and selfishness, etc. He only says “she could have let me play - just think, go drink tea ...”. Almost every time he rearranges and alters for me, no matter what I do around the house. And if our mutual acquaintances come to visit, she begins to belittle me in front of them: to condemn.
Help with advice: I'm already at a loss in understanding this situation - maybe I really am such a pig ... Or is old age playing a cruel joke on my mother. I am an adult self-sufficient woman, everyone respects me at work. And at home I'm like a Cinderella. You try hard, but you're still not happy...
I would be grateful for any answer to my question.
Hello Alena! I sympathize with the fact that you have to live with your mother in the same territory. When this happens, there is a confusion of roles between relatives, family psychological counseling helps to slightly mitigate such a situation, where, with the help of a psychologist, relatives learn to see where they are confused and make claims to the wrong person, what they are really angry at, what manifests their selfishness and, in general, what selfishness is - this is when one person forces another person to do in different ways what that person does not want to do. When we analyze situations, it sometimes turns out that in front of other people, one of the family members humiliates the other because he is actually very worried about him, but he has no experience in expressing his experience in a direct way, and then we teach these people to speak direct messages . It is difficult to comment on your situation, as there is not enough information. I recommend that you contact a family psychologist individually or, if mother and daughter agree, with the whole family.
Isaeva Irina, psychologist Moscow
Good answer 3 bad answer 0Hello Alena!
The confusion of not being able to build a relationship with a loved one is not easy to experience, especially if this continues for many years.
Your resentment towards your mother is also quite understandable, especially when any conversations aimed at clarifying relations are ignored. “If I watch a movie on a computer, she can come up, stop the movie and sit down to play a computer game. Completely disregarding my interests."
“I’m an adult self-sufficient woman, everyone respects me at work,” it wouldn’t be bad to start with this.
I must say that the acceptance of a mother, her attitude to the world, is not so simple, but possible. Although it's not a matter of five minutes. You may have a completely different view of the world, a different attitude to life. Not rejecting the mother, not teaching or making claims, but simply accepting her with all her shortcomings. Doing it from the head is not easy.
It is necessary to work out grievances, claims and take a mature position: “I remain myself at any moment. I can always work on my attitude towards others. Once upon a time, my mother was the main thing for me, but now I am an individual and have the right to do as I see fit. I am independent, but at the same time I realize that I have a mother nearby and I can rely on her in difficult moments of my life.
On different stages development from adolescence to old age, there are various processes of identification with the mother, the mature position of the daughter, or both sides - the most reasonable solution, which creates new ways for women to respond.
Until the very end of life, we can make claims to the mother and shift the responsibility for our own shortcomings onto her. But will this be a mature position?
It may be difficult to change things all at once, but to do so, personal therapy and counseling can help unravel the many complications between mother and daughter. Therapy can help in understanding the fate of one's own mother, a certain respect is developed for the continuity of women's experiences, the realization that this is not due to the mother's malicious intent, but due to the absence of a different model of behavior. And each of us, no matter what her relationship with her mother, always has the choice to be individual, to be herself, to embody our desires and ideas.
Konopy Natalya Ivanovna, psychologist, Moscow
Good answer 2 bad answer 1 
Hello Alena! let's see what's going on:
This has been happening for many years: my mother does not take into account my interests, does not respect my opinion, dismisses my advice.
this is an already developed stereotype of your mother's behavior towards you and this is exactly what YOU need to accept! Do NOT try to look for answers to the questions: "why?"; "for what?" and DO NOT try to change it! and this has nothing to do with old age - with age, such features can be exaggerated, become more defined, BUT she always had them! it also has nothing to do with you - everything is inside the mother ITSELF - she did not respect you, because she treated herself like that! does not hear and does not accept you, because it does not hear and does not accept itself! and doesn't want to! It's her choice and her right! accept it as such! from the fact that SHE treats you like that - it does NOT mean - that YOU are not standing in front of yourself! this is HER attitude! and what you are - you know yourself! respect yourself! draw boundaries!
Good answer 2 bad answer 0 
Alena, hello.
I want to agree with you that it is hard to constantly endure these squabbles, sometimes even depreciation. When you want support and understanding. It seems that in your situation, which you described, your mother wants respect and love. And everything you do wrong, it all reads "They don't like me." Given your mom's age, I'm guessing there's trauma - which is called aging. Roles change, spheres of influence narrow, and then the following begins to appear - depreciation of others, envy, self-absorption, a desire to manipulate you, hostility, inconsistency and absurdity. I think at this age it is no longer possible to teach something new if the person himself does not understand that changes occur throughout our life. Therefore, Alena, you will have to change. What I would advise: - KNOW YOURSELF - what does it mean, you need to study your experience, remember everything that helped you endure, and stay in a psychologically healthy state. Examine your relationship, paying special attention to how you were "hooked". - do not try to change your mother, be sympathetic. And part with the hope that your relationship will be mutual, and by accepting this - you can receive peace as a gift - with yourself. You can create a mantra for yourself and repeat to yourself: "I can not change anything in my parent. I will never become perfect enough to win his unconditional
I have problems now, there is no mutual understanding with my adult son ... I raised him alone, and now he can offend me painfully, very painfully. What to do?
* * *
Children are our joy, our future, our continuation, hope and support. We do everything so that they grow up happy, and our relations with them are friendly, trusting and open.
We sincerely want this. And then “comes” ... life with all its joys and problems and the understanding that some other circumstances also affect the relationship with the child, and not just our upbringing tactics, experience and ideas about life.
We are all capable of experiencing the same events in different ways. One woman will breathe a sigh of relief, having survived a divorce, and will begin to "drink this life in handfuls." She will enjoy the opportunity to devote time to more interesting things than the family routine. He will gladly devote time to leisure, sports or hobbies, communication with friends, for which there was always not enough time due to household chores. It happens that she begins to pay much more attention and time to the child than when she was married.
The other “falls” into self-criticism and self-digging: “since I couldn’t save my family, then I’m bad, ugly, unwanted, worthless.” Instead of trying to adapt to the changed conditions, such a woman will fall into a stupor, stress will become plentiful. In the shackles of resentment, she loses the ability to objectively respond to the needs of children. Most time, she again and again lives through the most difficult conditions of the past, trying to find an explanation for what happened. And can't find one that fits perfectly.
It also happens that a woman initially decides to give birth and raise a child alone. Be that as it may, raising a child alone is a reality for many modern mothers.
It often happens that mothers reproach themselves for not being able to give their children a “strong hand” in the person of their father. This is especially true for mothers of boys. However, as attention System-Vector Psychology Yuri Burlan, it is the mother who has the key influence on the upbringing and psychological health of the child.
The presence of the father in the family is as positive for the child as it provides support, help, love and care for the mother of the child. If this presence, on the contrary, introduces a woman into constant stress, this is transmitted to the child - he loses a sense of security and safety and cannot develop properly. In this situation, it's best for everyone to leave. First of all, a child, both a boy and a girl, needs a mother. Maternal upbringing is quite sufficient and in no case takes anything away from the child.
At the same time, all children are different, and react differently to the same events. One child is free from any attachment to parents and relatives and perceives the family as a temporary haven, a “harbor” from which he will “sail” as soon as possible.
Another child is very strongly and deeply attached to the family, touchy. The first person he will be offended by, of course, is his mother. Such a person, as a rule, projects resentment towards his mother, and in the future projects it onto all the women who appear in his life.
The third child with a flexible psyche is able to adapt to almost any changes in life. He is agile and active. Sports, active games, walks on the street captivate such a child. He has no time to sit, grieve and be offended, because life is a big relay race.
puberty
There is in the life of every person such a thing as puberty (age from about 12 to 16 years). As we know, this is the most difficult period in the life of every child. Yesterday he was so obedient, affectionate, predictable, but today it is not clear what is happening. For every word of the mother, she will insert her own, no respect, obedience.
During puberty, the child begins to enter adulthood, trying on a state of separation from his parents,
trying to take responsibility for his life. Not every parent is ready to let the child go away from himself, and continues to play "daughter-mother" with the child all his life, depriving him of the opportunity to stand on his own feet and take responsibility for what is happening on himself.
While the child is going through such a difficult period in his life, it is very important not to aggravate the already tense relationship with him. Try to understand the reasons that drive the child and why he manifests himself the way he does.
Why do children not understand their parents?
Because we don't understand our children either. It may seem to us that we are putting our whole soul into them, that we are doing everything for their development, and as a result we will get aggression and protest. Why? Because only in the plant world, apples are born from an apple tree. In the human world, things are much more complicated. And we have children who are similar to us in appearance, but radically different from us in mental properties.They are different. This is the first and most important thing that Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology explains to parents. And then it allows you to understand what others are and establish a dialogue with these others.
It is useless to exhort, be offended, shame your child - you see that this does not work. He will start talking to you differently when he sees that you understand and do not remake him.
Understanding the unconscious motives of our child's behavior, we justify him with our hearts, assuming that his bad, from our point of view, actions do not always show that he is hopeless. Seeing his reaction to some event, we understand that he simply cannot react differently, because. such is the potential of his psyche, such are his properties, desires and motives.
Here are just some of the reviews on how it works for trainees in Systemic Vector Psychology:
Applying in practice the knowledge gained at the training, I immediately saw the result.
I understood the essence of my child. The reasons for his behavior became clear. Now I began to clearly separate
his needs and I don’t need to cripple his psyche trying to find the key to him
The baby blossomed before our eyes. He stopped asking his grandmother
now he doesn't need to leave me.
They wrote to me on the forum, I replied:
Question M.
Hello, Irina Ivanovna. Excuse me in advance that I wrote so much, I just wanted to write everything in detail.
I am writing to you after another quarrel with my mother. I am 18, she is 60. I love her very much, she is the most precious thing I have. But here we do not have mutual understanding with her. Maybe because of the big age difference. She works, she gets very tired, I understand that.
Let me tell you a little about my family. I also have an older brother, he is 30 years old. He already has his own family, about 5 years he lives separately.
We used to live together, without dad. And there was never a father. My mother raised us on her own and we are very grateful to her for that.
Previously, my mother and I had some kind of quarrels there, but I really don’t remember anymore. It seems not so often and not so strong.
A Last year Probably, especially lately, we constantly quarrel. We just get annoyed, start both with a half turn.
I can and Difficult person, especially since I have my own feelings in my soul, I am constantly worried about something. But, I always try to talk with her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything and convey it to her. She's the complete opposite. After some quarrels, she doesn’t tend to come up and say, “daughter, let’s go talk calmly, I don’t like this and that, your certain attitude, you’re wrong here, for example, that’s what we will do. And you tell me something, I’ll tell you I will listen."
It's not even about who will come up first .. the point is that when I try to tell my mother that I lack her initiative, that my mother is an adult and cannot decide and try to put everything in its place, I openly tell her that let her calmly tell me everything, when we both cooled down, we’ll talk like adults and calm down in order to avoid quarrels in the future. After my words, she tells me that "I'm tired of your showdown, look for a boyfriend and sort things out with him, I'm tired get out of my room"
I’m so offended, every time I leave with tears in my eyes. I just calmly try to explain the situation, she doesn’t listen, interrupts me, screams, I start screaming (this is bad, yes, but I can’t do it differently when they interrupt me) .. in the end I every time I promise myself to just give up on everything and live and be glad that we live. But not even a week passes as a quarrel again, and I, like a fool, in the hope that my same words will be heard for the hundredth time, I say them again and again. and again my mother screams, I scream. I can't do this anymore. true. every time something aches in my soul.
I also see my guilt in these screams, there is a certain amount of disrespect for my mother in these actions, but this is all from hopelessness. Yes, my mother may not like what I am shouting, but I suggest that she always talk in a calm tone, I want her to listen to me , and didn’t interrupt me, it’s important .. and she tells me that I need a showdown. I just can’t speak out of hopelessness, tears are welling up. They don’t hear me in a vicious circle. I’m trying to explain it like a child. “No, mom, it’s not a showdown, you don’t understand it that way. It’s just important for me that you talk to me normally, because it’s abnormal relationship between mother and daughter
and every time she has hundreds of excuses "we are on the street, I'm tired, I'm watching a movie, don't interfere, my head hurts" I say that you never have time and excuses all the time. and she tells me "what should I talk about with you"
I feel very guilty that I can irritate her with this behavior. but it hurts me that they don’t hear me and don’t understand. maybe we are just different har-rami.
I’m sitting, worrying, 2 hours have passed since the quarrel ... and my mother, as if nothing had happened, came up and asked me for some kind of remedy. I just quietly silently gave, well, she understands that something is wrong. she cooled down and didn’t sweat too much. kissed me and said that I shouldn’t turn into a hysteric ... Well, how can that be. He doesn't hear again. He doesn’t understand that I’m so worried because of our relationship. And again, as if nothing had happened, probably.
and every time I have a sediment in my soul (maybe even my mother), but. then tomorrow I’ll forget too, I’ll have to. and then a few more quarrels and again an attempt to talk and tears. The circle is closed.
I try to come up to hug, it’s rarely true, it’s somehow not customary with us .. I’ll come from the institute tired, she’s home from work (plus age) .. yes, and outside the house I’m cheerful, I laugh, but at home it’s all addictive. before normal communication .. and if communication, then it immediately turns into a quarrel
when in quarrels I tell my mother that she won’t hug me or kiss me, that we, like in a communal apartment, each live in our own room .. after she cools down she will come up and hug .. but it is felt that after my words and somehow feeling that everything she’s a mom, and well, I’ll hug you for show. And that's it .. then again without tenderness on her part, even though I try.
Yes, and with my brother she has a misunderstanding.
It even happens with us that I’m sitting with my mother explaining to her something about the barat, that he won’t change already and such a person, etc., and all sorts of other things, and she says yes you’re right, you’re saying everything right, I didn’t even think.
I sometimes feel like a mom.
Please help me with advice. Thank you in advance.
Hello m! I don’t know if you thought about it, but many children, or rather, almost all children, have some kind of resentment against their parents ... And it seems to everyone that others (friends, neighbors, colleagues ...) are more fortunate with their parents ... Why is this happening? The fact is that every child has in his own head some idealized idea of \u200b\u200bthe ideal parent. And any child, even as an adult, certainly expects love from mom and dad, unconditional acceptance of himself as he is. At the same time, everything in life is much more complicated ... And parents, once were also children who had their own relationship with their parents ... And the fact is that if for some unfavorable reasons, mom, dad or both were physically absent or were associated with something serious - illness, resentment against the father of children, depression, difficult relationships with their parents, difficult life circumstances, the need to earn money instead of communicating with children, something else, then all this leads to the fact that contact between the parent and the child is violated, instead of love and acceptance, there is negativity, irritation, aggression. It seems the same is happening in your relationship with your mom. She raised you alone without a father ... It was very difficult for her and for sure, there were unconscious resentments against your father. And this, and perhaps the difficulties in relations with your own parents and your grandparents, prevented her from being in good contact with you. You write: “And the last year, probably, especially lately, we are constantly quarreling .... I always try to talk to her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything up and convey it to her. This is exactly where such a thing happens that you would like to receive from your mother that “understanding” that you yourself represent. But, you did not think about whether she can do it - listen as you want and discuss. If her mom and dad didn't do it, she didn't get that experience. And he does not know how to do it "as you would like." And then the only way out is for you to accept her for who she is, to change your attitude towards her reactions and the style of communication with you ... You write that sometimes you feel like her mother. It's impossible for a daughter to be her own mother's mom, it can also bring an element of irritation into the relationship. Read the chapter on resentment against parents in D. Sokolov's book on arranging family plots. If you can’t figure it out and accept your mother on your own, this may be a deeper problem related to the history of the family and tribal interweaving, then it’s worth working with a family psychologist in person. The Hellinger constellation method is very suitable for working with parent-child relationships and seminal difficulties. If the need arises, we can work. All the best!
They wrote to me on the forum, I replied:
Question M.
Hello, Irina Ivanovna. Excuse me in advance that I wrote so much, I just wanted to write everything in detail.
I am writing to you after another quarrel with my mother. I am 18, she is 60. I love her very much, she is the most precious thing I have. But here we do not have mutual understanding with her. Maybe because of the big age difference. She works, she gets very tired, I understand that.
Let me tell you a little about my family. I also have an older brother, he is 30 years old. He already has his own family, about 5 years he lives separately.
We used to live together, without dad. And there was never a father. My mother raised us on her own and we are very grateful to her for that.
Previously, my mother and I had some kind of quarrels there, but I really don’t remember anymore. It seems not so often and not so strong.
And the last year, probably, especially lately, we constantly quarrel. We just get annoyed, start both with a half turn.
I may be a difficult person, especially since I have my own feelings in my soul, I am constantly worried about something. But, I always try to talk to her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding, so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything and convey it to her. She's the complete opposite. After some quarrels, she doesn’t tend to come up and say, “daughter, let’s go talk calmly, I don’t like this and that, your certain attitude, you’re wrong here, for example, that’s what we will do. And you tell me something, I’ll tell you I will listen."
It's not even about who will come up first .. the point is that when I try to tell my mother that I lack her initiative, that my mother is an adult and cannot decide and try to put everything in its place, I openly tell her that let her calmly tell me everything, when we both cooled down, we’ll talk like adults and calm down in order to avoid quarrels in the future. After my words, she tells me that "I'm tired of your showdown, look for a boyfriend and sort things out with him, I'm tired get out of my room"
I’m so offended, every time I leave with tears in my eyes. I just calmly try to explain the situation, she doesn’t listen, interrupts me, screams, I start screaming (this is bad, yes, but I can’t do it differently when they interrupt me) .. in the end I every time I promise myself to just give up on everything and live and be glad that we live. But not even a week passes as a quarrel again, and I, like a fool, in the hope that my same words will be heard for the hundredth time, I say them again and again. and again my mother screams, I scream. I can't do this anymore. true. every time something aches in my soul.
I also see my guilt in these screams, there is a certain amount of disrespect for my mother in these actions, but this is all from hopelessness. Yes, my mother may not like what I am shouting, but I suggest that she always talk in a calm tone, I want her to listen to me , and didn’t interrupt me, it’s important .. and she tells me that I need a showdown. I just can’t speak out of hopelessness, tears are welling up. They don’t hear me in a vicious circle. I’m trying to explain it like a child. “No, mom, it’s not a showdown, you don’t understand it that way. It’s just important for me that you talk to me normally, because it’s abnormal relationship between mother and daughter
and every time she has hundreds of excuses "we are on the street, I'm tired, I'm watching a movie, don't interfere, my head hurts" I say that you never have time and excuses all the time. and she tells me "what should I talk about with you"
I feel very guilty that I can irritate her with this behavior. but it hurts me that they don’t hear me and don’t understand. maybe we are just different har-rami.
I’m sitting, worrying, 2 hours have passed since the quarrel ... and my mother, as if nothing had happened, came up and asked me for some kind of remedy. I just quietly silently gave, well, she understands that something is wrong. she cooled down and didn’t sweat too much. kissed me and said that I shouldn’t turn into a hysteric ... Well, how can that be. He doesn't hear again. He doesn’t understand that I’m so worried because of our relationship. And again, as if nothing had happened, probably.
and every time I have a sediment in my soul (maybe even my mother), but. then tomorrow I’ll forget too, I’ll have to. and then a few more quarrels and again an attempt to talk and tears. The circle is closed.
I try to come up to hug, it’s rarely true, it’s somehow not customary with us .. I’ll come from the institute tired, she’s home from work (plus age) .. yes, and outside the house I’m cheerful, I laugh, but at home it’s all addictive. before normal communication .. and if communication, then it immediately turns into a quarrel
when in quarrels I tell my mother that she won’t hug me or kiss me, that we, like in a communal apartment, each live in our own room .. after she cools down she will come up and hug .. but it is felt that after my words and somehow feeling that everything she’s a mom, and well, I’ll hug you for show. And that's it .. then again without tenderness on her part, even though I try.
Yes, and with my brother she has a misunderstanding.
It even happens with us that I’m sitting with my mother explaining to her something about the barat, that he won’t change already and such a person, etc., and all sorts of other things, and she says yes you’re right, you’re saying everything right, I didn’t even think.
I sometimes feel like a mom.
Please help me with advice. Thank you in advance.
Hello m! I don’t know if you thought about it, but many children, or rather, almost all children, have some kind of resentment against their parents ... And it seems to everyone that others (friends, neighbors, colleagues ...) are more fortunate with their parents ... Why is this happening? The fact is that every child has in his own head some idealized idea of \u200b\u200bthe ideal parent. And any child, even as an adult, certainly expects love from mom and dad, unconditional acceptance of himself as he is. At the same time, everything in life is much more complicated ... And parents, once were also children who had their own relationship with their parents ... And the fact is that if for some unfavorable reasons, mom, dad or both were physically absent or were associated with something serious - illness, resentment against the father of children, depression, difficult relationships with their parents, difficult life circumstances, the need to earn money instead of communicating with children, something else, then all this leads to the fact that contact between the parent and the child is violated, instead of love and acceptance, there is negativity, irritation, aggression. It seems the same is happening in your relationship with your mom. She raised you alone without a father ... It was very difficult for her and for sure, there were unconscious resentments against your father. And this, and perhaps the difficulties in relations with your own parents and your grandparents, prevented her from being in good contact with you. You write: “And the last year, probably, especially lately, we are constantly quarreling .... I always try to talk to her, sort it out and say what is in my soul, what I lack from my mother (understanding so that she can hear me and speak calmly). And I think that my mother is very lucky that I don’t carry a grudge in myself or don’t behave in a closed way like many children, but on the contrary, every single time I try to chew everything up and convey it to her. This is exactly where such a thing happens that you would like to receive from your mother that “understanding” that you yourself represent. But, you did not think about whether she can do it - listen as you want and discuss. If her mom and dad didn't do it, she didn't get that experience. And he does not know how to do it "as you would like." And then the only way out is for you to accept her for who she is, to change your attitude towards her reactions and the style of communication with you ... You write that sometimes you feel like her mother. It's impossible for a daughter to be her own mother's mom, it can also bring an element of irritation into the relationship. Read the chapter on resentment against parents in D. Sokolov's book on arranging family plots. If you can’t figure it out and accept your mother on your own, this may be a deeper problem related to the history of the family and tribal interweaving, then it’s worth working with a family psychologist in person. The Hellinger constellation method is very suitable for working with parent-child relationships and seminal difficulties. If the need arises, we can work. All the best!